


In Reverse

by Sugaredwings (CaffeinatedQueer)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Afterlife AU, Angst, Elsewhere AU, M/M, There will be several ships that only happen for a minute, Underage is eventual and mild
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 02:12:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12098424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinatedQueer/pseuds/Sugaredwings
Summary: It wasn't Kuro's fault, Kenma could have refused to go jogging with him that morning and avoided being hit by the van, but no.Now Kenma has to preform a life review before he can move on to the afterlife, forcing him to relive his major life events in reverse.





	1. Processing, please wait

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Reverse](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/323007) by RamaLlama. 



> This fic is based on an old Kingdom Hearts fic that I just loved back in 2008, which was based on Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin.
> 
> I don't frequently share things that I write, and I don't promise to update regularly, so proceed with caution

_Goodness knows I saw it coming_  
_Or at least I’ll claim I did_  
_But in truth I’m lost for words_  
-Snow Patrol: Chocolate  


 

 

It wasn’t Kuro's fault, but he was going to blame himself anyway. And, if he was completely honest, Kenma blamed him just a little as well. But it wasn't really his fault, he never forced Kenma to do anything he didn't want to do.

But as soon as he heard the brakes lock and the tires squeal, all Kenma could think was "I should have stayed home and replayed something."

But no, Kuro had broken into his apartment that morning, all puppy-like, begging Kenma to come and practice with him. Kenma didn’t even play volleyball anymore, but Kuro’s university team was on its way to nationals. Kenma was proud of his boyfriend, and wanted to spend time with him on his time off school. So with half-hearted annoyance and whole-hearted adoration, Kenma slipped on some old shorts and sneakers and joined Kuro for a run.

A run that took them across the intersection with the four-way stop sign.

The stop sign that the van had decided to ignore as Kenma gasped to keep up with Kuro, trying to focus on imaginary dragons to drown out the burning in his lungs. He hadn’t seen the van either.

Kuro was there in a heartbeat. Of course he was, he was always never more than a heartbeat away. It was unfortunate, which only pissed Kenma off more. He knew it was too late. From where he stood in a third person perspective, there was nothing he could do to save Kuro the trauma of clinging to his quickly cooling body. He could only flinch when Kuro stood to grab the driver by the collar, as neighbors struggled to restrain the athlete from beating the panicked man to death. He managed to get in a swing and break the guy's nose before the shock fully hit him, knocking him limp and senseless.

The scene was messy. Kenma watched his bloody slowly trickle towards the gutter. He watched the neighbors ease Kuro onto the grass. An ambulance was called-- and the coroner-- as the driver stood dumbfounded over his body.

Dying was a hassle.

Kenma closed his eyes, exhausted, and let the light wash over him.

It was warm. And quiet. No trumpets or angelic singing. It was perfect. He smiled softly, opening his eyes to take in tall gates in gold and ivory.

"Cliche, but okay," Kenma sighed in relief. Done and over, simple, he was always wary of death but now that it had happened all he felt was relief. He pressed his hand to the gate. It didn't budge.

"Not yet," came a gentle whisper, like wind chimes in spring. "You're not ready yet, you're still in processing."

"Processing," Kenma wrinkled his nose.

"Don’t worry," the voice assured, "you died young, so your processing will be quick. We just have to perform a life review and you're good to go. And you only have twenty years to review, so it'll be over before you know it."

He glanced around, patting his pockets for his handheld only to find them empty. "How long is this going to take?" He huffed, rolling his eyes.

"That's up to you. The life review is a self-paced process. Don't worry, you won't be bored. In the meantime, there is a friend waiting to keep you company. He has already started his life review, so he will be mentoring you for the duration of his time here."

"A mentor..."

"Kozume-san!"

Kenma whipped around to look into those wide green eyes, silver locks falling in his face.

"Lev..." Disappointment. Kenma could feel his whole self go slack. Normally he would be annoyed to see the freakishly tall spiker. But in this place, this situation, his stomach turned to stone. He hadn't heard anything about the boy's passing. Why hadn't he known? Guilt gripped his chest as Haiba Lev swooped down to embrace him.

"Kozume-san! This is so exciting! Now I get to be _your_ senpai! But don't worry, I won't make you do diving drills or run laps." As he released Kenma from his grasp, the older boy smiled up at him. "Come on, let me show you around." He grasped Kenma by the forearm before he caught himself. When Kenma didn't pull away like he used to, Lev's face lit with a smile and led him into the light.

In a few steps, a slightly rundown apartment complex stood alone in their path. They ducked under the awning, past the mailboxes, and up the stairs, hopping over a step that looked about ready to give in. Kenma's wandering eyes took in the water stains creeping down the walls, counting the apartments they passed until Lev stopped in front of 2E, releasing Kenma's arm to fight with the stubborn lock and key. The smell of rust and ozone penetrated the hallway.

"Ahah! Welcome home, Kozume-san!" Lev announced when he got the door open. "We're going to be roommates! It'll be fun!" Kenma followed him inside for a short tour. A kitchen with a small breakfast nook, a bathroom with a leaking showerhead so low that there was no way Lev could stand under it, and the two bedrooms on opposite sides of the bathroom. "There's a futon for you in the closet and a tablet on the desk."

They stood quietly in the doorway for a spell, a small herd of elephants in the room before them. Kenma wouldn't ask. Lev would surely tell him if he wanted to, he was never one to need prompting. "What is a life review?" He asked instead.

"Oh! Here, let me show you," Lev ducked into his own room, coming back with his tablet and instructing Kenma to grab his. "Here, see, it's like an app. This green one that says 'life review'? Tap it."

Kenma did as instructed. The app loaded, the main menu displayed

LAST MEMORY: n/a  
NEXT MEMORY: day 7,365  
PROCEED    PAUSE

"Starting with your death day, you're going to review your life in reverse. It's supposed to give you a new perspective on how it played out."

Kenma wrinkled his nose. "I have to relive every day?"

"Not exactly, it does a pretty good job at picking out the important bits. So you never know how many you have left. And you can make different choices. It doesn’t change the outcome, since it’s just a review, not real life. It’s supposed to bring you peace."

"And if I don't do this, I have to stay here."

Lev shrugged.

"Is whatever comes after this worth it?"

"I don't know for sure, but I have a good feeling," Lev backed out of the app, selecting an orange icon. A list displayed on his screen, the first couple of items marked with a star. He tapped the first one. The screen popped up with a video display, A green button labeled "immerse" in the lower right corner. In the video, a young man furiously scratched at his head while growling at a computer screen.

"Sometimes I daydream that I'll get to go back at the end," Lev paused, "other times I think about waiting here until it's his turn."

"Mori..."

"Yaku-san is studying to be a police officer," his smile was fond, his voice soft. "Sorry Kozume-san, I'll leave you alone so you can start. The first day is the one of the hardest. If you have any questions ... or... if you just need a friend, I'll be right next door." Lev excused himself, Kenma closing the door in his wake.

He pulled out the futon, setting it up so he could sit with his back against the wall. Tablet on his knees, Kenma flipped through the apps. The Life Review, Earthview, and Journal apps were already installed. He found the browser and downloaded a few games that sounded interesting. He played a war simulation until he fell asleep.

The next day--if it could be called a day, it was always bright-- he completely beat an RPG he had found. He started another. Lev occasionally pressed an anxious ear to the door.

Day three found Kenma desperately trying to stay entertained in Tetris. Frustrated, he exited the game, staring at the home screen with a grudge. With a huff, he tapped Earthview. Five pages of names appeared in alphabetical order. Selecting the search bar on top, Kenma started to type.

SEARCH: K_

The list shortened to names containing the letter k. A deep breath, fighting back a choke, he selected the name.

Kuro sat alone in his dorm. His bed was unmade, his clothes obviously in need of a wash, his face pale and sunken. Kenma hit the home button, gasping for breath as he laid back on the futon.

"He can't move on until you do," Lev smiled quietly from the doorway. Kenma stood and slammed the door in his face.

Sitting back down with a huff, he unlocked the tablet, opening the green Life Review app.  
  
LAST MEMORY: n/a  
NEXT MEMORY: day 7,365  
PROCEED    PAUSE  
  
With a deep breath, Kenma tapped "proceed".

 

  
_Promises within the air_  
_Drowning in love affair_  
_The night is young and we are young_  
\- The Chainsmokers “Last Day Alive”


	2. Day 7365

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma reviews his last day alive.

_Could I feel your skin on mine_  
_Before I have to say goodbye_  
\- Jaymes Young “One Last Time”

__

"KENNNNMAA!" The shout jolted him awake before the man could flip across his bed. "Did you stay up all night again? I tucked you in! You were supposed to stay tucked in, wrapped up in the warmth of my love until you fell asleep, not unravel my affections to continue your game."

Only half of what was said sunk into Kenma's head as he stared back into Kuro's smiling eyes.

"Hah, good morning Kitten," he placed a kiss on Kenma's forehead. "No classes today, so we have the whole day together. I thought, with nationals coming up, maybe we could go for a run and you could throw me a few tosses?"

Kenma snorted. With Kuro's pleading face and eager smile, it was hard to say no, but he knew that this specific jog was colloquial for 'hit dead by a van.'

"Sorry Kuro, but could we just stay in today? I miss you." He ran his fingers across the planes of his boyfriend's face, trying to memorize it.

"You just had me last night, needy," Kuro laughed, rolling to join Kenma under the covers. "But yes, we can. IF you promise to join me on my morning jog tomorrow! 6AM sharp!"

Kenma smiled as he curled up under Kuro's arm, "nothing would make me happier."  
With a sigh, he let his hands wander the planes of Kuro's chest through his worn t-shirt. Daydreams of tomorrow made his heart heavy but his face smile. If he could convince Kuro to spend the night, then tomorrow they could wake up together. Or Kenma could wake up a little earlier and make breakfast. He'd wake Kuro up with a kiss and an omelet. Kuro would emerge from the pillows with a smile. His breath would be terrible. His clothes would still smell like sex from the night before. He would be perfect in every way.

Kuro's smile would be so bright that Kenma wouldn't be able to look at it. He'd probably fumble with the plate as he tried to set it down. Kuro would catch it and laugh, using his other arm to pull Kenma back into the bed for a kiss.

He'd probably get carried away, setting the plate on the nightstand to be forgotten in favor for running his hands down Kenma's sides. He's tickle his ribs under the t-shirt he wore to bed the night before. Kenma would whimper as Kuro thumbed at his nipples, pinning him to the bed on his back. Kenma would grasp his hair, mouth open, begging to be kissed as Kuro pulled back to look at him.

Kuro's groan brought Kenma back to the present. His hands were traveling along the sides of Kuro's waist, tenting boxers nudging the man’s thigh.

"Missed me that much, huh?" Kuro chuckled, turning to press his own quickly growing length to Kenma's leg.

As way of answer, Kenma wrapped his arms around his neck, straddling Kuro and kissing him hungrily. Never one to complain, Kuro clasped Kenma's hips, grinding their bodies together until kisses gave over to gasps and moans.

"Please," Kenma cried between gasps as Kuro started sucking a trail down his neck, "Kuro, please."

"Of course, Kitten," he grinned, nipping at Kenma's collarbone as he pushed their waistbands down, stroking them both with a calloused hand.

"No, more," Kenma tossed aside his pillows, grabbing the bottle of lube that had been abandoned there last night. Slicking two fingers impatiently, he leaned back to reach behind himself.

"Kenma, you--" Kuro was cut off by his boyfriend's whine as two fingers were forced past the ring of muscle. "Take it slow, don't hurt yourself." He ran his free hand down the smaller man's back in a comforting gesture, stopping to grasp Kenma's hand, gently guiding him into a softer pace, holding back his fingers when he tried to add another too soon. "Kenma, we have all the time in the world, shhh..."

"Ahah, Kuro please, let me," he keened.

"Kitten," Kuro pulled Kenma's wrist, extracting his fingers and placing it on his thigh. "Be good for me." Kenma whimpered into Kuro's shoulder as he heard the cap to the lube bottle click behind him. He lifted himself on to his knees to give Kuro better access as he felt his fingertips probe his opening. Kuro slowed the pace of his strokes to match the rhythm of his fingers as he eased Kenma open little by little. Kuro froze when he felt a tear land on his shoulder.

"Don't stop. Please. I'm okay, I promise. I just-- I need you. Please."

Nuzzling into Kenma's neck, Kuro aligned himself, stroking Kenma's back to encourage him to sink down at his own pace. Kenma's voice broke as Kuro breached him, causing the older man to embrace him gently.

"I don't know what's going on in that head of yours and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I'm here, I'm yours, you have me," Kuro murmured reassuringly as Kenma sunk onto his lap. Once he was fully seated, Kuro held him there, thrusting in short, deep strokes. He savored Kenma's small gasps as he leaked against their stomachs.

Kenma's fingers twitched where they clutched at the back of Kuro's shirt. His need to hold his lover as close as possible was at odds with his begging desire to stoke himself to climax. Kuro could feel his muscles tightening as the heat coiled in Kenma's stomach and pulled him closer, trapping him tight between their bodies.

Kenma cried out as he came, making a mess of their stomachs. With a grunt, Kuro followed soon after, keeping his strokes deep inside his lover. Kenma wrapped his legs tight around Kuro, refusing to let him pull out as he felt come slowly leaking from him.

"Stay." His command came out as a plea.

"Okay," Kuro kissed the side of his face, hands drawing lazy circles against his back.

Kenma dozed off, waking up an hour later completely wrapped in Kuro's long limbs. At some point he had been cleaned up. Kuro's soiled shirt was tossed to the floor and Kenma rested his cheek against his bare chest.

"Good morning sunshine," Kuro placed a kiss on top of his head. "Is there anything you need to tell me?"

"I love you," Kenma started plainly. Kuro pulled him closer. It wasn't often the quiet man spoke his feelings, so anytime he felt compelled to the words carried a heavier weight.

"I love you too. You should eat, let me make you some lunch."

Kenma clung to him as he tried to get up. "Tell me a story."

"Kenma? Okay, fine. What kind of story did you want to hear."

"Tell me about how it'll be when you finish school and move into an apartment with me."

"I-- we never talked about moving in together."

"I know you think about it a lot. I can see it on your face when you cook for me, or clean my room. Even when we wake up together like this."

Kuro huffed a laugh, blushing, "guilty as charged. Just the thought of waking up to you like this every morning makes me the happiest man alive. It'll be great. Listen..."

Kenma smiled as his boyfriend waxed poetic about how he would set up their entertainment center, which dishes would go in what cabinets, and the kitten they would find on the street at night in the rain who they would take home.

They pulled out Kenma's laptop, looking up apartments in different cities, comparing floor plans and neighborhoods. It was the perfect day of future plans.

At the end of it, they fell asleep in each other's arms. Kuro with a smile on his face, daydreaming about their future together, Kenma clinging to him knowing it would never happen.  
As his vision went black, the warmth faded and he found himself back in his empty futon, pillow damp and eyes swollen.

Lev woke with a start when Kenma burst through his bedroom door. One look at his red-rimmed eyes said everything. Without a word, Lev pulled back his comforter and let Kenma crawl into his futon for the rest of the night.

_The blind lead the blind, so I can’t help find my way_  
_This could be heaven, I don’t know where I am_  
\- Snow Patrol “An Olive Grove Facing the Sea” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand now I'm sad.
> 
> I have literally never shared smut with anyone else ever, so don't expect any of it to be amazing I guess?


	3. Day 7364

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma faces his second day of review. Lev convinces him to try immersion, leading to an unsettling discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse any formatting issues. I wrote this on the plane and I’m editing from my phone.

_I'm fine even after I have died_  
_Because it was in your arms I died_  
Mother Mother; Arms Tonite

The morning air was cold, a draft blowing in from some crack in the window. Refusing to open his eyes and face the morning, Kenma pulled the blankets to his chin. A long, toned arm came with them, holding him closer from the cold. He sighed with contentment when the first red flag went off: the smell was wrong. Nothing smelled like Kuro, not the room, the sheets, nor the man cradling him to his chest. The sheets were course; Kuro insisted on soft sheets on both of their beds. Kuro had patched the draft in his apartment, it shouldn’t have been so cold. They only slept on a futon when they visited Koutarou and Keiji, and even then they usually crashed together in bed or on the couch. He didn’t remember going to their place last night. He didn’t remember—then he remembered.

Hesitantly, Kenma opened his eyes, reawakened to the dingy apartment in the afterlife. The gaps around the bare window were big enough for a mouse to walk right in. Light poured in from outside, but the sky was gray. He carefully rolled over to take in his bed partner.

Lev looked different quiet, unanimated. His arm was loosely draped over Kenma’s shoulder more like a child holding a stuffed animal than a man holding another. His lips were parted just enough for a thin line of drool and deep draws of breath to sneak through. Thick eyelashes shadowed tired under-eyes on pale skin.

Kenma quietly hoped that he looked this way in death, too, not disfigured and covered in blood like Kenma was.

His breath still stunk. The afterlife wasn’t that much different than living, apparently. Kenma wiggled out from the futon, missing Kuroo’s morning breath as he hugged himself against the morning chill. A quick stop to the bathroom and he was back in his own futon, staring at his tablet. He hovered over Life Review.

He couldn’t remember the last time something significant happened. The first review was an obvious event. From here on out, Kenma didn’t know what to expect. It was scary. There was a chance the app would skip something that he wished he could relive. There was an equal chance that he’d be forced to relive a bad day. The possibilities were exhausting.

Kenma watched a cockroach scurry across the unsealed and splintering wooden floor.

He tapped the app.

LAST MEMORY: day 7,365  
NEXT MEMORY: day 7,364  
PROCEED PAUSE

 _The day before I died?_ He wracked his brain, trying to remember any detail from that day. Nothing stood out. He had spent the day with Kuro, but if every day spent with Kuro was going to be significant enough to review, this was going to be a long process. He had gone to one of their practice matches and they had gotten dessert with Koutarou and Keiji on the way home. They ended the night with a movie and sex. Maybe it had been a keyword or something said in passing that flagged the day as significant.

Kenma would have to pay attention.

PROCEED

He woke up in Kuro’s bed. He heard the sink running and drifted back to sleep, resolved to wake up when Kuro came out. It felt like hours had passed when the quiet click of the bedroom door woke him up again. Kenma remained quiet and still as he let his eyes adjust, taking in the view of his boyfriend from across the room.

Kuro was stepping into a pair of compression underwear, his back making an elegant arch as he bent over to pull them up his legs. His bowed shoulders framed powerful back muscles. Knees bumpy with scars and callouses didn’t detract from the beauty Kenma saw in those long legs.

Kuro was straightening the waistband when he noticed Kenma’s stare, grinning deviously and giving his perfectly sculpted ass a playful pat. Kenma feigned disinterest, giving a theatrically large yawn, stretching long and lean while knocking the covers off of his naked torso and legs. Before he could open his eyes, he felt Kuro’s hands under his arms, swooping him out of the bed.

“Good morning, Kitten,” Kuro purred in Kenma’s ear as he held the shorter man’s naked body against his own.

“Mmmmmmorning,” Kenma responded by wrapping his legs around Kuro’s waist, leaving his arms lax around his neck.

“Do you still want to come to the match today? You don’t have to, but Bo and Akaashi will want to see you too.”

“Only if you promise to win. Tell them that the losers buy ice cream then win.”

“Hmmm… that would be easier to do if I had some kind of mind-reading genius setter on my team,” Kuro let one hand rub Kenma’s back absent-minded while he gathered his shorts and t-shirt with the other. “It’s just for fun, you could join us if you wanted.”

Kenma scrunched his nose as he climbed back down to the floor, “I didn’t bring any gym clothes.”

“As if you willingly wear anything but sweats and a t-shirt. I’ll ask Akaashi to bring an extra set of clothes for you to change into after.”

“I don’t know why you feel the need to solve problems that I invent specifically to get out of stuff.”

“Hey, what can I say, I’m a problem solver,” Kuro grinned.

They grabbed prepackaged sandwiches from the fridge and headed out. Kuro’s university team welcomed Kenma with excitement when Kuro asked if they’d mind him setting for a set or two.

“Hey hey hey, look who it is! Akaashi, look!”

Kenma didn’t even try to turn around from where he sat stretching his hamstrings. He just brought his foot in and braced for impact. Sure enough, less than a second later a pair of large hands gripped his shoulders so tight it hurt a little.

“Are you going to play with us, Kenma?” Koutarou’s round golden eyes drilled into Kenma’s with excitement when the smaller man looked back up at him.

“Kuro promised me ice cream if we beat you.”

“A few years ago I would have been intimidated, Kenma-san, but it’s been a while since you’ve played. I’m worried you’ll over exert yourself. Don’t forget middle school, how you’d get sick before your body became accustomed to physical activity.”

“Don’t worry Akaashi,” Kuro clapped him on the back, “Kenma’s getting plenty of physical activity.” The accompanying eyebrow movement earned him a high five from Koutarou.

Keiji ignored him, taking Kenma’s hand and helping him to his feet. “Just be careful,” he looked at Kenma with a gentle smile, the kind that made him feel like they were in a world of their own. Keiji always gave Kenma’s mind a warm, calming glow, his gaze always felt secretive and special. It took Kenma back to training camp in their third year every time.

His stomach flipped, realizing he would most likely relive his third year at training camp during the review.

Keiji’s eyes went wide for a beat, face going back to neutral as if he saw the memory in Kenma’s eyes, before breaking off and returning to Koutarou. “If ice cream is on the line, we can’t afford to go easy on them.”

“Yeah!” Arm slung around his boyfriend, Koutarou grinned at Kuro and Kenma, “if we win, we’re getting barbecue.”

“Barbecue and ice cream aren’t mutually exclusive,” but Kenma’s mumble was drowned out by Kuro clapping Koutarou’s hand into a vigorous handshake.

“You’re on.”

When the game started, Kenma found his muscle memory taking him through the motions, his muscles a little more sluggish and stressed than they used to be. It was strange playing with new people, but after a few tosses he was able to synchronize with the spikers. Even Kuro was a little different. Not enough to be a challenge, but just enough to make Kenma feel like a stranger on the court.

It was his lungs that were the real struggle. Kenma could feel his throat getting tight, his breath coming short. Keiji stared at him from across the net knowingly, an unspoken “I told you so” hanging between them. With a huff, Kenma turned his back on the other setter, determined to go harder.

They managed to win the first set. By the end of the second, Kenma could feel himself melting with gravity. After they lost the second, he let the normal setter take back his spot to finish the match. With the team back to standard and a fresh setter, Kuro’s team took the third set. The look on Koutarou’s face when the match point hit the floor made Kenma wince, but the man’s pride was quickly restored by the applause and gratitude of his team for a game well fought.

Kuro celebrated with a series of high-fives before jogging over to Kenma, kneeling to hug him where he slumped on the floor. “Thank you, I missed playing with you.”

In that moment, Kenma felt content.

“Maybe you can join us again sometimes? We can get some practice in tomorrow. I would really enjoy practicing with you,” Kuro was looking at him with eager eyes and a wide honest smile, planting a seed of guilt in Kenma’s gut.

“I miss you too, Kuro.”

They joined up with Keiji and Koutarou, who was already psyched for ice cream. The creamery was only a few blocks down, a short walk of listening to the two more energetic men recap the game. Keiji made Koutarou get his ice cream in a bowl, knowing he would be too excited to stay quiet long enough to eat a cone.

As Kenma sat in silence with his strawberry cone, he was haunted by Kuro’s eager face. He thought about how much closer he felt to Kuro back in high school, when they were perfectly synchronized on the court, blood in the veins. Volleyball meant a lot to Kuro, it meant a lot to their relationship and their chemistry. Sure, sex allowed them to communicate and sync on physical and emotional levels, but volleyball was a different kind of connection that had been unplugged without Kenma even noticing.

And he chose to relive his last day on Earth by denying Kuro that connection.

In retrospect, Kenma had no regrets in dying while practicing with Kuro, while doing the thing that made Kuro happy and was the basis for their connection. He regretted being selfish and sleeping away his second chance.

“Kenma,” he was awoken from his space out by Kuro gently taking his hands in his own, removing the melting cone and wiping strawberry off his fingers. “You don’t have to finish it if you’re not feeling well. Dairy and exercise don’t mix well.”

“Kuroo, you’re doing it wrong, watch!” Koutarou grinned, grabbing Keiji’s hand and bringing it to his mouth.

“No,” Keiji retracted his long fingers from Koutarou’s grasp, chocolate cone already finished.

“Akaashi’s too tidy to get any on his hands anyway,” Kuro comforted the dejected Koutarou. Keiji blushed, just barely, just enough for Kenma to notice. When he sat back and looked at the three of them, there was apparently a lot Kenma hadn’t been noticing. Underlying tensions and chemistry. Ways the three of them had bonded playing volleyball while Kenma sat on the sidelines with his 3DS.

He felt like a stranger. A ghost.

He looked up to Keiji’s gaze bearing into him. Kenma brought out his phone, opening a tedious game.

On the walk to the train station, he felt Keiji gently pinch his forearm. The two slowed down and let Kuro and Koutarou walk ahead, too invested in their conversation to notice their boyfriends falling behind.

“It’s not like you to let yourself get covered in ice cream.”

“I was thinking.”

“You played well today. Are you perhaps thinking about joining us in the future?”

“There is no future. Keiji,” Kenma couldn’t see the harm in telling the truth, “Keiji I’m dead. I’m going to die tomorrow. This is the last time we’ll play volleyball together. And we didn’t even get to in the real world because I was selfish and lazy and I wasn’t thinking about what Kuro wanted.”

Keiji’s gaze remained fixed in front of them. His pinch on Kenma’s forearm moved down to grasp his hand. “I’m not sure what you’re saying, but know that Kuroo loves you regardless of whether you play with us or not. We all do. What you want matters too.”

They walked the rest of the way to the station in silence, watching their boyfriends talk and laugh in front of them, hands still tenderly clasped. They boarded their separate trains with quiet smiles and waves.

And that was the last time either Keiji or Koutarou would see Kenma alive.

When they arrived home, Kuro set to work drawing them a bath while Kenma set out pajamas. They sunk into the hot water, Kenma with his back against Kuro’s chest, and let their muscles unwind from the game. Kuro’s arms wrapped around Kenma’s chest. Kenma stroked Kuro’s thighs absent-mindedly.

“Kuro.”

“What is it, Kitten.”

“If you knew it was your last day alive, what would you do?”

The room was quiet for a while. Kenma focused on the movement of Kuro’s chest behind him, savoring his breaths.

“I would want to spend it with you, obviously. I think I’d want to stay in the whole day and just savor you, savor every minute. We’d probably have sex until we both came dry. And we’d eat every scrap of junkfood in the apartment.”

“You wouldn’t want to spend it with Koutarou and Keiji? Playing volleyball?”

“No, not really. It sounds selfish, but I would want my last day alive to be about me and what I want. Comforting Bo just sounds like work. Akaashi would just call me a pain in the ass. I would rather spend that time enjoying every inch of you.”

“Hmmmm,” Kenma turned to his side, resting his head on Kuro’s shoulder.

“Why, are you planning on killing me tonight?” Kuro laughed, “as punishment for making you play today?”

“You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do.”

“Just assume that I’ll never have a perfect day; I’m not ready to die. I haven’t had enough of you yet.”

It was said with a light-hearted chuckle, but each held the other just a little bit tighter that night.

-

 _I'll see you in the future when we're older_  
_And we are full of stories to be told_  
_Cross my heart and hope to die_  
_I'll see you with your laughter lines_  
Bastille “Laughter Lines”

-

Lev had apparently been practicing his cooking. Not that Kenma had ever had his cooking before. It was entirely possible that Lev had always been good at cooking. He could be imagined helping his mom and sister prepare large meals fit for a family of giants.

But cooking in this dilapidated kitchen with sparse ingredients was a specially curated skill. The pans didn’t heat evenly, but he used that to his advantage to control the heating of each ingredient. The oven didn’t stop heating even when it reached the set temperature, so Lev learned to compensate with a routine of creative timing and manually turning the oven on and off. He worked the kitchen with grace, long arms taking care of business so easily it seemed on their own accord, as if he was unaware they were moving.

Kenma walked in to cinnamon apples bubbling away on the stove, a thick dough being folded in a bowl under Lev’s arm.

“Kozume-san! Good morning! Breakfast is going to take another forty minutes. I’m making scones, so they’ll be filling. Please don’t snack until they’re done.”

“Lev,” Kenma sat at their small table, “can you redo a day? After you’ve already done it?”

The taller man dumped the dough onto the counter and started sectioning it into triangles, “no, you have to keep moving forward—or backwards—but you can find a summary of your reversals in the Journal app.”

Kenma tapped open the app. “7365” and “7364” were listed as small page icons. When he tapped “7365,” two columns appeared, one labeled “standard” and one “review.” The standard documented what had happened that day of his life while the review was his reliving of it. The app gave him the option to add his own notes.

“How is any of this supposed to help us cope with death? Aren’t we, you know, dead? What does it matter? How is journaling supposed to make it better?”

“I’m really good at it though! I’m already at the start of my second year. And I took us to nationals this time! You were such a good vice-captain, Kozume-san. You looked so proud before you passed out from exhaustion. Kuroo-san had to carry you over his shoulder while he congratulated us.

"Kuro was proud of us before, too, for getting that far. We put up a good fight."

"I wasn't able to win third year though, even in review. That was really disappointing, but because I got to do the review I was able to see that it wasn't going to happen even if I knew the other teams weakness. The review helps you cope with regrets like that. You either feel fulfilled that you could fix it or content that you did the best you could."

"And after this, after we've made peace?"

Lev slid the baking sheet into the oven, setting the timer, "I don't know, Kozume-san. My mentor didn't know either. I don't think anyone knows until they get there, and no-one comes back."

Kenma swipped his tablet open, falling quiet as he restarted one of the games. Lev took advantage of the silence to give a dramatic retelling of his review of his second year's last game.

"At the start of the game, I was able to tell you their weakness, Kozume-san! You didn't believe me at first, but a few points in you were able to make a winning strategy! You were amazing!"

Kenma vaguely remembered the game. He remembered the other team losing a few matches later and Kenma kicking himself for not noticing such an obvious weakness. He slowed his tapping on his game, giving Lev more attention. He'd eventually have to review the game, too. He might as well make Kuro proud this time.

"Remember how in sync we were, Kozume-san? You would just look at me and know exactly what kind of set I needed in order to get my spike through. It was amazing."

Something in Lev's voice felt bittersweet. Kenma looked up from his screen, locking into those wide green eyes. Lev's expression ion was caught soft, his jaw stuck on a thought. Kenma could feel the air around them beat once. Twice. Before color rose on Lev's cheeks and he turned back to check on the oven.

After a few minutes of silence, Lev started filling in Kenma on what Mori had been up to recently. The timer binged. They had their scones with honey, then Kenma retreated back to his room despite Lev's heavy implications that they should spend more time together.

"You should really try the worldview app, Kozume-san! I can show you how to use it. Immersion can be confusing without help."

"Thanks for the offer, but I'd like to try it myself," he remembered how emotional he got the first time he spied on Kuro.

  
In his room, curled up in his futon, Kenma opened the app. Kuro was on the bus, obviously tired but standing like the gentleman he was. The sway of the bus looked welcoming and familiar.it wasn't too crowded and light shown in at a low angle, setting Kuro's face in sharp edges.

Kenma tapped "immersion"and in an instant found himself on the bus empty handed. The tablet was gone and a smart watch had fastened itself to Kenma's wrist.

Kuro stood before him, tall and beautiful as ever, even while his face was dull and tired. Even his hair laid nearly flat, lack of sleep leading to lack of bedhead. His expression was lost in thought.

He looked so different from the Kuro that Kenma saw in his reversals. It occurred to Kenma that he didn't know how much time had passed since the accident.

The bus came to a stop, throwing Kuro slightly off balance. Kenma remained undisturbed, left unsure of how physics worked in this form. The doors opened, Kuro stepped out, Kenma followed.

"Kuro," he called,"you can't see me, can you? Am I a ghost?"

Those broad shoulders didn't pause in their retreat.

"Kuro!" He ran to catch up, sneakers hitting the pavement without a sound. He could smell the ozone as the train pulled away behind them. Wind rustled the surrounding trees. Kenma remained unchanged.

"Thanks for meeting me here," Kuro stopped in front of a bench.

Keiji stood to meet him,"I owe Kenma-san a visit."

They continued walking together. Kenma kept to Kuro's side opposite Keiji. When the sidewalk forked, Kenma started right towards the temple only to catch the other two turning left.

"How is he doing?" Keiji broke their silence.

"He's physically stable. Still dependent on the respirator. Doctors don't know when he'll wake up, though. They're not getting a lot of brain activity--" there was more to the news, but it was caught in Kuro's throat.

"He has more spirit than he lets on. We have to believe in him."

The two were quiet the rest of the walk to the hospital. Kuro only spoke to check them in, waking them silently through the corridors as if the hospital had become his second home. The floor they came onto was eerily silent. Machines and muted crying blended together into an ear-numbing buzz. There were no screams of pain, no crying babies, no good news and only long awaited finalities. It smelled like antiseptic and formaldehyde.

Kuro stopped by the nurse's station to let them know he was going in before gently opening a pale door.

Kenma had been holding his breath, suspending his belief, but the figure on the bed was unmistakable. He lay there breathing through tubes.there were enough tubes and wires coming and going from his body that Kenma could almost believe they were growing a clone of him in some sci-fi anime.

But the living, breathing, body in the bed was unmistakably Kenma.

"I'm alive. Am I dreaming? Is this what people in comas dream about?" He watched as Kuro pushed hair from Kenma's forehead, planting a kiss in between electrodes.

"Hey babe," he smiled quietly, "I brought Akaashi today. No need to get up though. To be honest, I'd be pretty jealous if you woke up for Akaashi after ignoring me for weeks."

Keiji rolled his eyes, going around to the opposite side of the bed and taking Kenma's hand. "Ignore him, Kenma-san.He'd be happy to see you regardless. I understand if you don't want to wake to this pain in the ass. Take your time. Heal."

Kenma crawled onto the foot of the bed, ghost passing through body and resting on undisturbed sheets. "I do want to wake up. How do I wake up." He tried moving up the bed, laying in his own body. His limbs tingled as if they were asleep. He still couldn't feel Keiji's gentle grasp on his hand or Kuro carding through his hair. The longer he lay there, he felt like his lungs were filling with a heavy liquid. The heart rate changed on the monitor for a moment before Kenma was forced to sit up, coughing as if he was drowning.

"That's new," Kuro's eyes bored into the monitor display. He hesitantly stood, poking his head outside and motioning for a nurse. A middle aged man hurried over with a clipboard and started taking notes, barking orders for a series of tests to be prepared.

That's when Lev appeared at the foot of Kenma's bed.

"Hey," he smiled.

“I'm alive." Kenma wasn't sure if he felt betrayed our excited.

"Kozume-san, your ghost has moved on though."

"My ghost is right here, on Earth, in my body. I need to know how to go back."

"Kozume-san--"

"I can go back."

Lev lifted Kenma from the bed as the doctors ushered Kuro and Keiji out. "Maybe we should go home."

"This is home Lev!" Kenma wrestled himself out of Lev's grasp, stumbling out of the room and falling backwards through Kuro's body. He lay on the floor, looking up at his boyfriend in shock. Kuro kept watching the nurses scramble, unaffected.

"Kozume-san, we don't belong here. Not any more. Not right now."

"There are dozens of stories about people coming out of comas with a glimpse of the after life."

Lev helped him to his feet. "When you're ready to come home, there's a'resurface' option on your watch." He tapped his watch and was gone.

Kenma followed Kuro and Keiji outside. He walked behind them as they wordlessly picked up food from the corner store. Keiji guided Kuro to the temple to pray. Kenma watched Kuro silently bow, traced the tired lines in his face and the droop of his shoulders.

“I'm going to figure it out, Kuro. You called me your heart and your brain and I'll prove myself with this."

[RESURFACE]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I totally meant to include sex in this chapter but then it just got too dark for it to happen organically... I owe y’all sex.


	4. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ghost of Christmas Future pays Kenma a visit and Lev gets a cat

                No amount of ketchup made the omelet taste any better. Over the past few weeks, Lev had figured out the perfect ratio of bell pepper and onion for Kenma’s perfect omelet, but today it still tasted like paper. Soon the ketchup bottle started sputtering.

                “Are you planning on going back today? You could come to the store with me if you want. You haven’t left the apartment yet,” Lev took the empty bottle, frowning that there was none left for him.

                It had been a few days since Kenma had done any work on his review. He wandered around the apartment, nose in his tablet. Lev would pass him sitting in the living area, running a hand over his head as he passed. When he landed at the kitchen table, the taller man would slide some food between his elbows resting on the table. Sometimes he would wake up with Kenma sitting next to his futon. Usually his tablet was lit up with search engine results, but every once in a while Lev would catch sight of Kuro in the screen. As far as he could tell, Kenma hadn’t immersed since the first time.

                Kenma wrinkled his nose, “I’d rather stay in.”

                “The market can be fun though! There are other people here, it’s not as empty as you think.”

                “The market back home wasn’t empty either, that’s what made it awful.”

                “Okay, well,” Lev hesitated, patting Kenma’s head, “if you need me, there’s a messenger app on there. I should already be in your contacts. Or, at least, you’re in mine.”

                “’kay,” Kenma didn’t look up until he heard the front door shut. He shuffled back to his room, curling up in his futon.

LAST MEMORY: day 7,364  
NEXT MEMORY: day 7,355  
PROCEED PAUSE

                “Well, that’s progress I guess.”

PROCEED

                He woke up in Kuro’s bed, the warmth of his boyfriend still solidly asleep next to him. Rolling over, he grabbed his phone from the night stand.

9:18 AM

December 5

                Placing his phone back down, Kenma noticed Kuro’s phone lighting up incisively.

>>Bo: Answer me

>>Bo: Dude

>>Bo: Dude

>>Bo: Wake up

>>Bo: Don’t forget cake

>>Bo: I’m taking Kaashi out at noon

>>Bo: Can you break into my apartment and decorate?

>>Bo: Can you get the cake?

>>Bo: Kaashi’s party is at 3

                “Kuro,” Kenma draped himself over his shoulders, savoring the skin contact. “Koutarou wants you.”

                “Wha does he want,” he rolled over, wrapping his limbs around Kenma and avoiding wakefulness.

                “Keiji’s birthday. He wants us to decorate while they’re on a date. And we’re supposed to bring cake.”

                “Why didn’t he ask earlier, I wanted to sleep in for once.”

                “Cause it’s Koutarou and he probably kept thinking he had plenty of time to prepare for today.”

                “Dammit Bo…” but Kuro was smiling fondly.

                They picked clothes from the floor. Kuro ran his fingers through Kenma’s hair as he walked past. The gesture startled him in ways he wasn’t expecting.

                “Kuro?”

                “Hmm?”

                “Have you heard from Lev recently?”

                “Lev?” Kuro paused, one leg in his jeans. His face twisted in thought for a moment. “Not since their last game his third year. I meant to go to his graduation, since he was my last kohai in high school, but I had an exam. I think Yaku went though. Why?”

                Kenma shrugged.

                “We can text him later if you want, but right now we have to save Bo’s ass.”

                “Keiji wants a fruit tart for a cake. His favorite is the one at the bakery near his elementary school.”

                Kuro smiled at him, grasping Kenma’s hand as they slipped out the door, “nice work genius. Let’s give this boy a good big two-oh.”

                The market was crowded. Kenma stayed tucked behind Kuro as he got the tart and a case of beer.

                “Do you think Akaashi will want a banner? Balloons?”

                “He’ll pretend to be annoyed, but he’d appreciate it. Maybe not balloons,” Kenma paused, grabbing a bundle of lilacs.

                “Good idea! We’ll get flowers and pretend they’re from Bo so Akaashi doesn’t know he waited until the last minute.”

                “Yeah. Yeah, pretend they’re from him,” Kenma grabbed one more roll of streamers and followed Kuro to the cashier.

                On the train ride back to the university, Kenma held onto Kuro’s arm with one hand, lilacs held to his chest in the other. They traveled in silence, exchanging smiles periodically as the car swayed. Kenma remembered following Kuro, unseen and unheard, on a similar train in his immersion. He felt blessed to be recognized.

                Kuro got them into Kotarou’s with a spare key. Beers in the fridge. Kuro hung the banner and streamers. Kenma got the lilacs in water, carefully trimming each stem.

                The finished up by two. Kuro shot Koutarou a text to let him know it was safe to bring Keiji home and they settled down on the couch. Kuro popped in some recordings of their high school games against each other.

                “We were like clockwork, Kenma, look at us go.”

                He heard Keiji bark as he set to Koutarou. Kenma calculated the spike, glancing at Mori, speaking without words. Mori received the ball flawlessly, Kenma tossed it, Lev’s whip-like arms swinging out of nowhere to slam the ball into the other court.

                “Yeah,” Kenma brought out his phone. “We were really something. A team indivisible,” He logged into his long ignored social media.

Haiba Lev

>>Yuuki Shibayama: I can’t believe it’s been a year. Lev, I’m still thinking of you. You were so vibrant and strong. You always inspired us to play harder, to live every day to the fullest. We miss you.

>>So Inuoka: Remember when we were rough housing at the hot spring and Yaku got mad? I miss getting yelled at with you. We’ll play again soon.

                Kenma kept scrolling through a year’s worth of short stories, memorials, and “I miss you”s until he came upon a post from June the year before.

>>Haiba Alisa: My Lyovochka, my brave lionheart you fought hard. Today we lay my brother to rest after months of fighting. Melanoma happens fast and it hits hard. Even the strongest aren’t invincible. There is no shame in resting your head. Rest well little brother. You’ll be missed.

                “Kenma?”

                He closed out of the app, “they’ll be here soon?”

                “Yeah, they’re walking back from the station now.”

                “Let’s get some candles in the tart and meet them at the door.”

                Keiji didn’t seem as surprised as Koutarou was probably hoping for. In fact, Koutarou was probably more excited to see Kuro holding a flaming tart than the birthday boy was.

                “Happy birthday Akaashi!” The two older, more energetic men applauded when the candles were blown out.

                They spent the night piled up on the couch, the four of them overlapping over three seats, old volleyball games playing in the background while they nursed beers and laughed the night away.

                “Lilacs?” Keiji shot Kenma a coy look.

                “Yeah. From, ermm, Koutarou,” Kenma shrugged, turning his attention back to his phone as he leaned back against Kuro. Secured in his warm arms, feeling the deep bass of his laugh in his broad chest, Kenma could almost believe everything would be okay.

-

Maps stretched out-  
Too many miles to count.  
Let’s just say we’re inches apart,  
Even closer at heart,  
And we’ll be just fine.

Sleeping at Last; _West_

-

                The apartment was still empty when Kenma came home. He couldn’t grasp how time passed in the afterlife. He had spent a full day in review, but returned only a few hours later. Lev was still out at the market. Light still filtered through the window.

                When they were first coming to the apartment, the complex was surrounded by a bright nothingness. No roads, no horizon, no sun: just a decrepit building standing alone. In the passing weeks, Kenma hadn’t left the apartment once. He had seen the light from the window grow and fade, but never so much as opened the blinds.

                Sometimes he could hear the neighbors. There was a man upstairs who seemingly threw himself on the floor and sobbed almost nightly, and then his roommate would yell at him to shut up before slamming a door. If he listened carefully, he could hear a girl downstairs singing to herself in a sweet but out of tune voice. Mice and cockroaches came and went from the gaps in the structure. Sometimes Lev brought home mail from the mailbox, but he never shared it with Kenma, he always hustled it into his room and tucked the letters carefully in his desk.

                Kenma pulled the blinds gently, but they stuck. He yanked the cord. The entire fixture fell out of the wall, hitting the floor with a clatter and spreading a cloud of drywall dust. The windowsill was littered with tiny shriveled bug corpses in various states of decay. Those who had tried to escape but couldn’t quite figure it out.

                Beyond the window Kenma could see a sunny courtyard. There was an unkept tree looming over an immaculate fish pond. An elderly man knelt by the pond, carefully removing debris from the water while koi nibbled at this finger tips. A paved walkway wove through uneven grass. An old woman sat on a nearby bench feeding pigeons. It felt like a low-income retirement home. The walkway continued through a little garden, disappearing behind hydrangeas.

                “Kozume-san!” the front door slammed open, probably chipping more paint off the wall. “Kozume-san, look!”

                Kenma came into the kitchen to see Lev, arms laden with grocery bags, a sleek black cat curled up against his chest.

                “You kidnapped a cat.”

                “No, I _saved_ a cat!” Lev corrected, “he was being chased by a dog and ran right up me,” he shook his leg to draw attention to the slowly oozing claw marks on his leg.

                “He probably mistook you for a tree.”

                “Look, he really likes me!” the taller man plowed on without pause. “He’s been curled up in my arms the whole walk. Here, can you take him so I can set down the groceries?”

                “Or you can just set him on the floor,” but Kenma’s mumble went unheard as Lev dropped the cat on him, forcing him to either catch the animal or be clawed in its panicked fight against gravity.

                “What should we name him? I was going to go with ‘Kuro’ but that’s what you called Kuroo-san. Would that we weird? I mean, he kind of looks like Kuroo-san cause he’s black and all. Ahaha, wouldn’t it be funny to call him Shiro-chan?”

                “How about we call him ‘Found Cat’ and put up some posters? He has a collar, someone is probably looking for him.”

                “Or maybe his owner moved on and now he’s all alone here. He was in danger! He needs me, Kozume-san! Look at him, he needs us.”

                Kenma looked from the cat resting against his chest to the young man begging like a child. “We’re going to find his owner. You can’t call him ‘Kuro.’ But you can call him whatever else you want in the meantime.”

                Lev scooped the cat out of his arms, “thank you Kozume-san! Thank you! Thank you! I’ll go set up his home now,” and ran off to his room.

                Kenma sighed at the abandoned groceries, taking on the task of putting them away. A small stack of letters was wedged between cereal boxes. He set them aside and finished putting away the food before fanning them out. Most of them were scrawled with “Haiba Lev,” but for the first time there was one for him as well.

“Kozume Kenma” stared up at him in familiar script. He had learned to read on Kuro’s handwriting. Despite decades of evolution, he could always pick Kuro’s handwriting out of a lineup. It was familiar and it was home, much like his scent and the sound of his voice: changed through the years but never alien.

 

Kenma,

I know I’m going to feel really silly when you read this after you wake up, I probably won’t even give this to you, but I miss you so much and I just want to feel like I’m talking to you somehow. I don’t like this whole “experiencing things without you” thing. For years I could turn to you when something funny happened and we could talk about our shared experiences like inside jokes. It’s weird that you’re not next to me right now. It’s weird experiencing things without you.

I hung out with Akaashi one-on-one the other day. Weird, right? He wanted to visit you at the hospital. Bo probably would have come too, but Akaashi wanted to be able to focus on you and not Bo’s reaction to seeing you like this. He’ll probably come visit you closer to Christmas if you’re still asleep.

You should really wake up in time for Christmas though! The nurses let me decorate a little so you’d have something festive to wake up to. They wouldn’t let me put a hat on you, though. They’re still monitoring swelling or something with your head. I don’t know. It kind of all goes static in my ears when the doctor makes that serious face.

But wake up for Christmas! I’ll keep the mistletoe warm for you. And I have your present all wrapped and ready. It’s okay if you didn’t get me anything. Just wake up. Please.

-Your Kuro

 

“Oh, I guess I haven’t missed Christmas yet,” Kenma tapped the ripped envelope on the counter. He had bought his gift to Kuro a month ago, right after the man’s birthday. Kuro had been complaining that nobody got him the new volleyball shoes he had been eyeing, so Kenma had gone out with his very next paycheck and grabbed them. He had wrapped them that night to keep Kuro from spotting the box in his closet.

Back in his drafty bedroom, Kenma woke his tablet. Earthview. Kuroo Tetsurou. The screen was dark. Immerse.

The room was dark. Kuro lay curled on his bed against the wall. Kenma lay next to him, noting the alarm clock reading 2:03 AM. He tried Kuro’s cell phone for the date, but his finger went ignored. Kuro turned next to him, arm swinging down to bring Kenma closer.

The room was bright. Kuro was fidgeting at his desk in class. Kenma was left blinking and confused as he entered the classroom. It looked like one of the lecture halls at Kuro’s university, but they were in their high school uniforms. He moved through the rows and sat down next to Kuro.

“What’s happening, why are you so nervous?”

“Today’s an exam and no one is here. So either I’m late or early and now I have no clue when it is. God, I can’t fail this exam Kenma!” Kuro covered his face with his hands, jogging his knee under the desk.

Kenma turned and put one hand to still his knee and revealed his face with the other. “Hey, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Have you tried contacting the professor?”

Kuro held up his phone, “I’ve tried calling twelve times but it won’t go through.”

The younger man smirked, recognizing one of Kuro’s reoccurring nightmares. “There’s no exam today, it’s Christmas. Let’s go look at the lights.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

He led Kuro out of the classroom and into a snowy street decked in garlands and electric candlelight. Kuro clasped his hand like a lost child looking for guidance. Snow settled in his bedhead and Kenma let himself stare at him with abandon, taking in the sight of his snowy boyfriend haloed by festive lights.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Kuro laughed.

“In games, when a character gets spirited away it’s usually to learn a lesson, right? Like the one game I played last year where the protagonist was a brat so he was taken to a post-apocalyptic world where he learned to respect nature. Once he learned the beauty of flowers and became selfless for their sake, he returned to his normal life. That’s how it usually goes, right?”

“I mean, yes, that’s the trope.”

“Do you think maybe that’s why I’m here? Why I have to review my past? So I can uncover everything wrong I’ve ever done and once I’m redeemed I can wake up from my coma? And then when I wake up I’ll apologize to everyone I’ve ever wronged and I’ll live the rest of my life a better person?”

“That’s… that’s a little dramatic. I mean, that’s like Ebenezer Scrooge from A Christmas Carol levels of dramatic. What kind of horrible things could you have done to get the Scrooge treatment?”

Kenma bit his lip, lilacs flashing in his mind. “I… Kuro, we weren’t always together, right? For a year, you were off at school and I was left behind. And before that your mind was already elsewhere. I might have hurt some people.”

“Ohohoh, _my_ Kenma, a high school heartbreaker? I doubt it’s anything worth a visit from the three ghosts of Christmas. I mean, I’ve taken like three guys’ virginities and I don’t see any specters coming after me.”

“Two,” Kenma corrected in a whisper, “you’ve taken two.”

“No, Bokuto told me that he was lying about—“

“Kuro.” Kenma held a hand out to stop the man in his tracks. In front of them loomed a hooded figure, arm outstretched.

“Kenma, it’s just a dream. It’s cause we were talking about it so my brain just decided to invite the ghost of Christmas Future. See, I can conjure Bokuto and Akaashi too.”

Koutarou cheered, crashing into Kenma’s other side, chattering excitedly to Kuro while Keiji sauntered quietly at his side.

The four of them kept walking towards the figure. Kuro and Koutarou kept talking excitedly. Keiji watched some carolers standing under a spotlight. Kenma marched forward in dread. The figure lowered his arm as he approached. Kenma stopped in from of him while the other three continued walking down the road.

“Is that what this review is for? When I finish my review, can I wake up? When I learn this all-important moral lesson, can I have my life back?” Though he was trembling, he channeled his fear into anger.

The figure slowly shook its head, stepping around Kenma and drifting down the street. Kenma turned to follow it to find the street behind him dark. No carolers, no lights, no garlands. On the far end Kuro, Koutarou, and Keiji continued walking in light. Kenma followed the hooded figure into the darkness.

He struggled to keep up, stumbling over unseen obstacles. He lost the black figure in the darkness. He turned back, but the spot of light that was Kuro had faded in the distance.

“Hey!” He screamed as loud as he could. His voice came out a whisper. “Hey! Anyone!”

“Kuro! Kuro wait for me!”

“Hey! Koutarou!”

“Keiji!”

“Tora.”

“Shouyo.”

“Anyone.”

A ghoulish moan shivered through the air. Just discernable in the dark Kenma could see a conservative headstone. He tried to turn away from it, but it stayed in her peripheral no matter how much he moved. He tried not to read the name on the stone.

“I’m not dead. I’m in a coma. I’m not dead. I’m going to wake up! I’m not dead!” Kenma tapped blindly at his smartwatch, his eyes still frantically searching for some pinprick of light.

He lay on his bedroom floor in the afterlife, cold sweat streaming down his forehead, heaving for breath.

 

-

_"Before I draw nearer to that stone to which you point," said Scrooge, "answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of things that May be, only?"_

_Still the Ghost pointed downward to the grave by which it stood._

_"Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead," said Scrooge. "But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change. Say it is thus with what you show me!"_

Charles Dickens, _A Christmas Carol_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know what to name this cat. Or if that cat will ever get a name. Maybe it'll be like the frog from Over the Garden Wall because Lev is actually Greg.
> 
> Also, I wouldn’t mind some concrit. Something feels flat and I’m not entirely sure what it is. Is the mood too homogeneous?


	5. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lev is excited for Christmas and insists on dragging Kenma to immersion. Kuro and Yaku make a discovery.

 

 

-

 

                With time passing inconsistently, it was hard to immerse on a specific day. But Lev was determined to spend Christmas on Earth. His tablet was always laid out, Earthview open. It wasn’t the first time Kenma came into the kitchen to find a live feed of Mori in the shower playing on the counter while Lev made lunch.

                “Do you really have to watch Mori all the time?”

                “If I exit out of it I might miss Christmas!” He at least had enough shame to turn his screen away, the color rising on his cheeks making the green of his eyes flash brighter. “Ah, Kozume-san, would you mind keeping yours open too?”

                Kenma paused his game, hesitant to exit out of it to indulge Lev’s obsession.

                “Come on, I know you’ve been procrastinating on doing any work. Last time you came back you had that face. The one you used to get when you were tired of playing volleyball.”

                “I don’t have a face.”

                “Yes! That’s the one! Like you’re trying to find the nearest exit without anyone noticing you. Your eyes go all…” Lev narrowed his glare, gaze darting around the corners of the room while avoiding Kenma entirely, “like that.”

                “You’re not making me want to help you any more by making fun of me.”

                “Please, Kozume-san? Please please please? I’ll make you sweets every night for a week if you do.”

                “Fine.” Kenma retorted with a sharp huff. “Just don’t peep on Kuro. I know you had a crush on him in high school and he’s gotten more muscular since.”

                “I didn’t—actually, could you pull up Yaku-san as well? That way when it’s Christmas we can immerse together and end up in the same place.”

                “You want me to come with you?” he lifted a brow.

                “Yeah! It’ll be fun. Come on, Kozume-san, it’s been so long since we’ve spent Christmas together.”

                “We’ve… never spent Christmas together, Lev.”

                “But remember in high school, I would call you on Christmas day and we’d talk for hours!”

                Kenma vaguely remembered receiving a call from Lev and letting the boy rant on speaker phone while he played games. It wasn’t exactly what anyone would call a conversation, much less “spending Christmas together.”

                “Yeah, yeah, I remember,” luckily Lev was too oblivious to notice the grimace. “What would we even do, though? Follow Mori around all day?”

                “No, that’s just our entry point. Once you immerse you can go anywhere you’d like.”

                “But why wouldn’t you want to spend Christmas with Mori? I want to spend mine with Kuro.”

                “Kozume-san,” Lev’s face drew a serious expression, “trust me, it’s hard. It’s hard to see them struggle with losing you and it’s hard to see them move on. There’s nothing good that can come out of haunting the living.”

                “I think you’re forgetting that I’m alive. Maybe I’ll be able to enter my body this time.”

                “Kozume-san, you’re here, you’re dead—“

                “Just because I’m here like you doesn’t mean I’m dead like you!” Kenma snapped, immediately regretting it when he saw Lev’s face crumple. “I… I’m sorry Lev. I didn’t mean… I’m sorry.”

                “No…” he sighed, “you’re right. It isn’t like anyone knows how this place works. There’s no manual. We can’t even figure out how time works. Maybe you’re just having one of those ‘seven minutes in heaven’ experiences. You’ll wake up in the hospital and think you have the strangest dream.”

                “I don’t think that—maybe.”

                The silence that followed coated Kenma in a heavy guilt. “Alright, I’ll come with you and we can spend another Christmas together.” He pulled Mori up on Earthview. During their conversation he’d left the shower, gone to bed, and was just waking up the next morning.

                Unable to play any of his games, Kenma flopped onto the couch. The cat jumped up from its spot in the sun to curl up on his lap.

                “I was thinking ‘Squeak’,” Lev came to sit next to him with a handful of letters, sprawling on the couch lengthwise, feet resting on Kenma’s thighs, “as a name for the cat. Because that’s the sound he makes.”

                “That’s a good name.”

                “I asked around to see if anyone is missing him, I promise I did. But look, he really likes you,” Lev’s toes kneaded the cat’s stomach as he carefully tore the top off of an envelope.

                “Where do the letters come from?”

                “Ah, have you never written a letter to the dead? Most people tuck them into desk drawers, but Alisa burns hers so that the smoke and ash will reach me. Some people tie them to balloons or seal them in a bottle and release them into the ocean. Yours was from Kuroo-san, right?”

                “Yeah. He was begging me to wake up by Christmas.”

                Lev stilled his wiggling toes, “have you found any answers?”

                “I have a theory, but I came up with it while in Kuro’s dream, so I don’t know how much was real and how much was his imagination.”

                “Wait, you were in Kuro’s dream?” The taller man shot up, startling the cat who dashed off in a frenzy. “How?”

                “I immersed while he was sleeping and he… tried to hug me I guess. Then I was in his dream. I could talk to him, too. He could see me and talk to me like normal.”

                “What?! Kozume-san, that’s amazing!”

                “You’ve never tried it? Have you ever tried touching Mori while he was sleeping?”

                “No, we never really… it didn’t feel right to take advantage of him like that, with him not even knowing I’m there.”

                “We just watched him shower over lunch. He was completely naked. Like peeping toms.”

                “But it’s different! Touching someone in their sleep, lying next to someone, that’s so… intimate.”

                “With how often you check on him, I’m assuming you were together, right? I feel like Kuro would be comforted if he knew I was there, wouldn’t Mori feel the same?”

                “Yaku-san… we never really… I mean, we were going to but it got complicated,” Lev flicked his tablet screen anxiously. “Kozume-san, look! It’s Christmas!”

                Kenma checked his tablet. The room was dark, Mori still sleeping peacefully. He used his fingers to rotate and zoom into a clock sitting on a desk. Sure enough, it read 25-12.

                “Alright, let’s go,” he said to an empty room, trigger-happy Lev already immersed, before diving in himself.

As his eyes adjusted to the dark of Mori’s bedroom, Kenma could make out the green glow of Lev staring at him through the shadows, like a Cheshire cat.

“So how do I do it?” That trademark grin pestered Kenma.

“Do…?”

“How do I go into his dream? How do I talk to him?”

“I don’t know, Kuro hugged me in his sleep. Can’t you do that on your own time? I don’t want to wait out here for you. There’s nothing to do here.”

“Hold on, I’ll be quick,” Lev was already crawling onto Mori’s bed, looming over the smaller man on all fours.

“Lev—“

But the man had already collapsed onto the sleeping form, disappearing in a blink.

 

 

\--

 

 

Lev found himself stepping onto a bus. He was just past the driver when the vehicle lurched to life, causing him to stumble. The city quickly melted away to the green blur of the countryside. The bus was empty apart from a small man with light brown hair.

“Yaku-san!” his face hurt with relief as he swayed down the empty aisle to sit down next to the dreamer.

“Lev, what are you doing here? You’re not planning on tagging along to visit my nana, are you? I didn’t tell her I was bringing anyone.”

“I—Yaku-san, aren’t you surprised to see me? Tada, look, here I am!”

“It’s rude to invite yourself to other people’s family gatherings,” Yaku huffed, pulling out his phone, “I’ll try to call her to let her know you’re coming.” The twist of his scowl pulled on Lev’s heart.

“Wait,” Lev interrupted his dialing, “why don’t we go somewhere private? I want to spend time with you. I know! Let’s go to the gym where we used to practice volleyball!” With a hearty inhale, Lev stood, “Look, I’m healthy! We haven’t been able to play together in years. Please?”

“Lev, wait, you can’t just—“ but the taller man was forcibly pulling him from the bus.

Lev had taken a gamble that implanting the idea of the gym in Yaku’s head would redirect the dream there. He was proud of himself when the bus dropped them off near Nekoma’s gym. The sun was a warm orange glow behind the horizon as dawn approached. Dew crept through their sneakers as Lev lead them to the doors.

“It’s too early, Lev, the doors are going to be locked.”

When he tried the handle, sure enough Yaku’s prediction had come to fruition. “It’s okay, I held the key in third year. I have it right here in my pocket.” Another implanted idea that worked as Lev pulled the key from his pocket and slipped them into the gym.

The lights were already on, the net was up, and a basket of volleyballs awaited them.

“Come on come on come on! Yaku-san!” With long strides, Lev was at the basket in a moment. Yaku hung by the door, trying not to gawk at the sway of Lev’s legs, the fluid grace that it took to move 195 centimeters of lean athletic limbs. He noted the color rising on Lev’s cheeks as he grinned, getting a feel of the volleyball in his palms.

Yaku’s chest tensed. “Hold on, take it easy! Don’t over exert yourself!”

The dream vibrated with anxiety. Lev felt the adrenaline crawl up his throat and turned to take in Yaku’s panicked face. The shorter man froze for a moment, looking like someone who walked into a room for something important and promptly forgot what it was.

Lev watched the gears turning behind those wide, frightened eyes.

‘Why am I anxious.’

‘Why am I scared.’

‘Why can’t Lev run?’

‘He’ll lose his breath.’

‘He’s sick.’

“Oh god, you died,” he finally said out loud. A shiver ran down the two of them. “You idiot, you died! You were sick, you were so thin, your hair was falling out, and you died!” Yaku glared into Lev’s frozen form, expecting the dream to shape to his expectations. He waited for Lev’s cheeks to lose color and sink, for his posture to take a tired slouch, for him to drop dead right there in the middle of the Nekoma gymnasium.

Lev returned his glare with a gentle smile, standing taller, “Yaku-san, I’m here now. I came to see you. Kozume-san taught me how to enter dreams, so I came to see you for Christmas.”

“Kenma is here?”

“Kozume-san didn’t come in the dream with me, but he’s ghosting back in the real world.”

“Does that mean—is Kenma—is he dead too?”

“Ah, well, we don’t know. There was a car accident and Kozume-san’s in a coma, but his consciousness is in purgatory with me. It’s complicated, I guess.”

“Purgatory? How are you feeling, are you in any pain? You’re supposed to be resting.”

“I feel fine, Yaku-san,” Lev strode back across the gym, reaching down to cup Yaku’s chin in his palm, “I am healthy and full of life.”

“Idiot,” Yaku grumbled, grabbing the front of Lev’s t-shirt and pulling him down into a clumsy, crashing kiss.

Lev blinked in shock, but Yaku had already closed his eyes in the kiss. Lev had always imagined that Yaku’s lips would be soft, plush, and doll-like to match his stature. Instead he was greeted with thin, chapped lips that were often worried between merciless teeth. But Yaku’s lips were warm regardless. His face was warm. Everything about having Yaku so close made Lev feel warm. He was suddenly aware of his own wet lips, as well as his own inexperience in kissing.

“Yaku-sa--!” heat rose to his face as Yaku took advantage of his parted lips to advance the kiss, arms slipping around the taller man’s neck, tongue greedily invading Lev’s mouth. Lev returned the kiss as best he could, with all the grace of a teenager who had never kissed before. He was awkwardly aware of his own movements, no sure whether he should delve into Yaku’s mouth or encourage the slide of Yaku’s tongue in his own. His self-consciousness faded as he realized he was tasting _Yaku-san, Yaku-san, this is what Yaku-san’s kisses taste like._ He held his hands awkwardly at his sides before Yaku impatiently placed them on his backside, encouraging Lev to pull him closer. He responded with enthusiasm, lifting Yaku and pinning him against the wall, cupping his ass and guiding his legs around his waist.

“Fuck, Lev,” Yaku gasped at the sudden friction, “we’re still in the gym, the rest of the team should be coming to practice soon.”

Lev pouted at the broken kiss, lips glistening with saliva. He noted Yaku’s own wet and ravished mouth, a new swell of blood emboldening him as it abandoned his brain. “They’ll only show up if Yaku-san thinks they will, it’s a dream. Yaku-san, are you a pervert? Do you want them to catch us?”

“No! Shut up. Can we just—can we go somewhere else?”

“Where do you want to go?” Lev was kissing down his neck, savoring the taste of his pulse, while keeping him pinned to the wall with his hips. He relished Yaku’s increasing heart rate, priding himself for being the cause. Yaku squirmed impatiently, torn between seeking that friction and resisting the temptation. “Think it and we’ll be there.”

“Anywhere, right now, quiet, private, comfortable.”

Lev fell forward with a grunt as the wall gave way, falling onto a bed with Yaku pinned under him. Surveying the room, he noted that it was his old bedroom. Chill bit through the air while string lights filtered through the window. For the moment, he was back in his third year, when Yaku had come home for Christmas. Except this time he was healthy. This time it wasn’t complicated.

Cold hands crept up Lev’s stomach, making him yelp in surprise. “Yaku-san! It’s cold!” He laughed as he tore up the blankets, rolling on top of Yaku and pulling the comforter back over their heads. Light poked through the edges of the blankets, illuminating their blanket fort in warmth. He could feel Yaku’s warm breath against his smiling face, the humidity under the blankets quickly rising.

As Lev bent to kiss Yaku tenderly, the older man impatiently grabbed his hips. Yaku pulled Lev down, rutting hungrily against him. In the context of a dream, he was free to be selfish. It wasn’t a side of him that Lev was used to seeing. Releasing a whimper, Lev could feel precum pooling in his boxers. He should have guessed he’d be into rough treatment, considering his attraction to Yaku, but he had always imagined his first time would be gentler.

Not that Lev was complaining when Yaku yanked at his shirt, pulling it over his head. As Lev slid out of the cotton, he moved down to kiss Yaku’s stomach, palming the bulge evident in Yaku’s pants. He kept his kisses firm and slow, mouth worshipping every muscle and soft pouch on Yaku’s stomach. Precum was soaking through Yaku’s shorts, the damp spot obvious to Lev’s touch. His own erection responding in kind to the realization. Yaku, apparently tired of the teasing, reached between them to pop the button of his jeans. He released himself, letting the head of his length rest on Lev’s cheek, a line of precum marking his face.

Short fingers buried themselves in Lev’s silver hair as Yaku whimpered, begging. Lev cautiously lapped the head with his tongue, watching Yaku squirm and buck at the sensation. Growing bold, he held Yaku’s eye contact as he swallowed as much of him as he could, gagging as its hit the back of his throat.

“Christ, Lev, fuck,” Yaku threw his head back, grasping Lev’s hair as if his life depended on it.. Lev’s fingernails dug into Yaku’s narrow hips as he was held there, eyes watering. The rub of Yaku’s cock against the back of his throat burned. He tried to swallow the burn away, only causing Yaku to buck into his throat with a groan, causing him to choke. “Sorry,” he released his death grip on Lev’s head, letting the man come up for air.

“Yaku-san, can I—“ Lev tugged at the waistband of his jeans until Yaku lifted his hips. Lev fumbled in trying to slide the pants off his legs, all anticipation and no grace. He wasted no time in diving back into lavishing Yaku with attention. Lev licked a stripe up the bottom of his length, bobbing his head as he slipped Yaku between his lips, working his way down a little further with every stroke. He brought a hand up between his legs, massaging Yaku’s balls in his palm while teasing his hole with his fingertip.

Yaku was trying his hardest to keep his hands to himself, not wanting to hurt Lev. His hands fisted the sheets, pulling them from the mattress. He had been longing for this for years, to look down and see that long cat-like back arching over his cock. The expanse of pale skin stretched tight over muscle and bone was more erotic than Yaku had ever imagined. He couldn’t suppress the moan that ripped from his throat when he felt those long fingers caressing his most intimate places.

“Yaku-san, is this okay?” Lev breached Yaku’s opening with his fingertip.

“God, yes you idiot, stop fooling around. Where’s the lube?” Yaku keened, trying to relax his arched back.

“In the pillowcase, under the pillow.” Yaku quickly found the bottle, passing it down. Lev hurriedly coated his finger. “Are you ready, are you sure?”

“For the love of— please, Lev, just—“ Yaku cut off in a cry  as Lev sunk the long, slender digit up to the second knuckle.

Lev stared in amazement at Yaku’s flushed and pleasured face. He stroked his finger slowly through Yaku’s soft heat, marveling at how a man so demanding and harsh could turn compliant and soft in his hands. He added a second finger, slowly turning and scissoring with his thrusts.

“Can’t you just fuck me already? You’re taking too long.”

“Yaku-san, I have to prepare you, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“This is a dream, right? So it’ll only hurt if I think it hurts. I want you right now.” His demands came out more like whining.

“Be patient, Yaku-san, it’s our first time. Don’t you want to savor it?” Lev bent his finger, coaxing whimpers from the smaller man. He added a third, causing Yaku to thrash against the mattress.

“I think we’ve waited long enough,” Yaku reached up to grasp Lev’s shoulders, “please.”

“Yaku,” Lev pulled himself up, hooking Yaku’s knees over his shoulders and kissing him gently. “Thank you.” He shuffled his sweatpants down his thighs, letting his erection spring free. Precum already coated his cock with a pale glistening sheen. He slicked himself with lube, resting his tip against Yaku’s entrance. The smaller man squirmed impatiently, but Lev held him there. Lev waited for Yaku to properly look at him, taking his chin in hand. “Yaku-san, I love you.”

The color rose on his face as he tried to break eye contact, “I love you too, stupi—ah!”

Lev sunk in slowly, hesitating as the ring of muscle resisted the width of his head. Burying his face in the curve of Yaku’s neck, Lev felt Yaku’s heat engulf him inch by inch. “Yaku-san, you’re so small.”

“I’m a perfectly normal – ah—size. You’re just a giant,” he dug his heels into the back of Lev’s shoulders, trying to let his body adjust to the intrusion. “Hold on, don’t move yet.”

“Yaku!” Lev whined. The heat of Yaku’s body bent open for him was driving him crazy.

Yaku pulled up on his legs, pulling Lev deeper, feeling the weight of his balls resting on his backside. Lev stayed obediently still while Yaku took him in short, deep strokes, relaxing with each pulse.

“Yaku-san, you’re going to make me come if you keep me this deep.” Lev knew he was still inexperienced, still a quick fire teenager, but he didn’t want Yaku to think of him a high school kid anymore. He was nervous about coming too soon.

“That’s kind of the point, stupid Lev,” he pulled himself up hard, taking Lev’s full length to the hilt. “You can move. Move.”

“Ah,” Lev slipped out almost completely, before sliding back in, savoring the sensation. Yaku punctuated the end of the stroke with a thrust of the hips. Trying to keep control, Lev set as steady of a rhythm as he could. He tried to take Yaku’s length in hand, but lost his balance when he lifted his elbow from the mattress..

“Ow! Here, let me—“ Yaku batted his hand away, taking himself in his fist. Lev braced himself on either side of Yaku’s head, breathing heavy pants into his neck.

“Yaku-san—hah—can I – can I come in you,” he whined, thrusts growing erratic.

“Lev, I swear to god,” Yaku felt himself clench around Lev’s width, his own climax quickly approaching, “if you hold back so much as a single drop, I’m going to punish you for it.”

“Yaku—“ Lev choked out as he thrust into the wet of his own come, feeling himself shooting into Yaku in thick bursts. Yaku tightened his legs across Lev’s back, holding his softening member deep in him as he came over his own stomach.

Lev dropped Yaku’s legs, careful to avoid slipping out completely as he rested on top of the smaller man.

“If I stay here, can we go again when I get hard again?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

 

\--

 

“Welcome back,” Lev was greeted to Yaku’s bedroom bathed in pink morning light. Kenma had curled up across the room, facing the wall, annoyance obvious in his shoulders.

“Ah, Kozume-san, sorry. I just wanted to try it.”

“It’s fine, just invite me to spend Christmas watching your boyfriend have a wet dream about you. I don’t have better things to do.”

“Ugh, no,” the lament came from the bundle of covers on the bed as Mori untangled himself. “Gross gross gross gross,” he moved gingerly, the front of his sleep pants obviously wet.

“Yaku-san! Good morning!” Lev’s grin went unseen as Mori peeled his pants away from his sticky body.

“Let’s go,” Kenma turned red, avoiding looking at either of the other men in the room as he excused himself.

“Kozume-san, what do you think about the zoo?” Lev jogged a few feet ahead as they exited the house.

“Animals… don’t really like me much.”

“It’ll be fun! It’ll be all decorated, but closed for Christmas. We can ghost in and have the whole place to ourselves!”

“Do you have a change of pants?” Kenma smirked, nodding to the dried streaks of come that stained the front of Lev’s sweatpants.

He had never seen Lev turn so red. “Kozume-san! Don’t pick on me, you’re the only one who can see me!”

“Aren’t I lucky.” He supposed he was happy that Lev had the chance to spend time with Yaku. Without knowing about the ability to enter dreams, it must have been over a year since the two had last talked. Didn’t mean Kenma wasn’t irritated at being made to be a third wheel. Didn’t mean he wanted to sit alone in Yaku’s room, listening to the man moans and whimper in his sleep. He had tried not to watch Yaku’s small body seize with climax. It was hard to ignore though. So he felt no need to spare Lev the teasing.

Lev stopped, mischievous smile looking down at Kenma. “Now, Kozume-san, are you going to tell me that you and Kuroo-san have never been so excited that you didn’t make a little mess.”

Kenma gulped, remember numerous instances where they were forced to wear shorts in winter, dirtied pants hidden at the bottom of a gym bag. “Okay, we can go to the zoo.”

“Yes! Thank you Kozume-san!” Lev bounced, darting off towards the train station faster than before.

Walking through the empty Ueno Zoo parking lot was eerie. Security guards lounged in folding chairs, bundled up against the winter’s bite. As they slipped around the turnstiles unnoticed, Kenma relished the feeling of being invisible. It felt like a wish comes true in a backhanded fashion. He got what he always wanted, to be unnoticed, but at what cost.

“Come on, Kozume-san, come-on!” Lev beckoned, holding his hands down to hoist Kenma over a locked gate.

“Uhhg…” he wrinkled his nose, stepping up and hoisting himself over the gate. Lev climbed over by himself, long limbs moving with surprising grace.

That’s when the hairs on the back of Kenma’s neck stood on end. He glanced behind him, but the guards were still oblivious to their presence.

The screaming started soon after.

Kenma almost dropped to the ground, eyes closed tight, arms to his chest. The sound echoed through the narrow park entrance, the source lost in the chaos.

“Haha, look! It’s Hinata-chan!” Lev was laughing and running forward. Kenma slowly untucked himself, following Lev’s trajectory. The taller man was all but sticking his finger in an aviary of small black birds. The birds fled from Lev’s approach, falling silent as they watched the two men from a high branch.  He took a deep breath, settling his nerves as he walked to Lev’s side.

“They can see us.”

“Oh, I guess you’re right. Nice! We can talk to animals!”

“No… no I don’t think that’s what that means, Lev.”

They walked by pandas tumbling playfully across a manicured environment. A herd of deer raised their heads and watched them pass with caution.

“Was that really the first time you’ve talked to Mori? I mean, since, you know…”

“I’ve tried talking to him before, but he never heard me. It was amazing to be able to talk to him, to touch him,” Lev smiled blissfully, “thank you for letting me have some time with him.”

“Were you able to make any peace or whatever?”

“I was able to tell him my feelings. And he told me his. So I guess, yes.”

“Judging by his accident this morning, I’m assuming the feelings were mutual.”

“Kozume-san!” Lev flushed red again, “don’t be lewd!” they stopped by the otter exhibit to watch the sleepy creatures drift lazily. “I didn’t get to tell him before. I was scared of being selfish. Well, I confessed to Yaku-san when I was in my third year, but he said I was too young. He told me I had to wait until graduation and if I still felt the same he would give me an answer.”

                Lev kept his gaze on the otters, smiling when they noticed him. Kenma couldn’t take his eyes off that rare gentle smile.

“He was the only one who kept in contact with me. You and Kuroo-san would come to our important games, but Yaku-san would visit me over every break he had from university. He called me every morning before classes. He insisted he was making sure I got to school on time and did my work. He was the only person who seemed to care about me during my third year while everyone else moved on with their lives.”

Lev turned towards Kenma, as if to make eye contact, but shied away to focus on the pheasants behind him instead. “I was excited to hear his answer at the end of my third year. I could feel him falling in love with me. Then I got sick. We thought it was an infection at first, because my lymph nodes were hard as stones. It was after antibiotics failed that the doctors found the melanoma. It had already started spreading through my body. They tried chemo and laser surgery to keep it contained. No one would say it, but by the time I graduated we knew it wouldn’t be much longer.

“Yaku-san was gentle with me. He was protective, constantly chiding me for overexerting myself. He came with me to chemo, kept a log of my medications. He… never pressured me to confess again. He set up opportunities. He would find excuses to visit nostalgic or romantic places together. Sometimes we would find our faces nose-to-nose, holding our breathes and daring the other to look away. I could see the life in his eyes, blood rising to his cheeks. I knew he could see my thinning eyebrows, even my eyelashes growing scarce, and the dark circles under my eyes.”

“You never confessed,” Kenma turned back to the otters.

“I couldn’t do that to him. We both knew what was coming. I couldn’t tell him I loved him just to lose him so soon,” Lev laughed halfheartedly, “what use is making a commitment you can’t keep? Yaku-san is young and alive, I didn’t want him to feel committed to a ghost. This way, when he moves on, it won’t feel like he’s cheating on me. You can’t break up with a ghost. This way he’s free.”

Kenma had half a mind to disagree, to say he was glad for the time he had with Kuro regardless of the broken hearts, but there was no point in trying to make Lev regret his decision. That was the purpose of the review, after all.

Lev pushed off the railing, turning to continue into the zoo, Kenma following soon after. “Will you be feel guilty if Kuroo-san is alone forever because he’s committed to you? Will you be sad if he moves on?”

Kenma’s looked onto the next exhibit. “Yes,” he replied simply, eyes locking onto those of a great horned owl.

 

-

 

 _If you say_  
_Goodbye today_  
_I'll ask you to be true_  
_'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you_  
_Yes, the hardest part of this_

_I will not kiss you_

Twenty-one Pilots; _Cancer_

 

-

 

                Guilt sunk heavily in Yaku’s stomach. His bed was made properly, having compulsively folded the corners just right to combat the guilty thoughts. His room was tidied. Dirty laundry was in the wash, though he had thought about setting it aflame.

                Lev had been gone for about a year and a half now. Dead and gone. Yaku had had a wet dream about a dead man. A young dead man, practically a dead child, who had trusted and cherished him up until his last breath. The disrespect made his stomach curdle with guilt. He had never even told Lev his feelings. They hadn’t talked about love since high school, when Yaku rejected him. It made the dream feel unconsentual. It felt wrong, he felt dirty.

                But the Lev in this particular dream felt different than the Lev that usually appeared in Yaku’s nightmares. Typically the younger man showed up two-dimensionally. He followed Yaku’s expectations, as a dream character should. When Yaku eventually realized it was a dream, remembering Lev’s death, the dream Lev would wither away, turning to ash.

This Lev hadn’t.

Even after Yaku told him he was dead, he stood strong and healthy. When Yaku expected him to act one way, he acted independently from the expectation. This Lev had been headstrong and disobedient.

This Lev felt real.

He struggled to remember any detail he could of the dream. Any hint his subconscious could give him as to why this Lev was different.

_‘There was a car accident and Kozume-san’s in a coma, but his consciousness is in purgatory with me.”_

That was it. The thorn in his side. The thing that didn’t fit in the dreamscape at all. Yaku hadn’t thought about Kenma very much at all in years. The kid had no room in his subconscious, he had no business being in his dream. Nothing would have prompted Yaku’s subconscious mind to have placed Kenma in death next to Lev.

It sounded crazy.

Absolutely insane.

But Yaku couldn’t fight the nagging feeling that the Lev in this dream was real. He didn’t follow the laws of dreams, and now the possibility that he knew something Yaku didn’t? He had to find out.

He brought up his phone, scrolling through years of contacts until he found the right one.

Kuroo Tetsurou.

Kuroo would know. He held the key piece of information that decided if this was just a very strange and shameful dream or if Lev was actually communicating with him from The Beyond.

The phone rang a few times. Yaku could imagine his old captain staring at the screen in confusion, debating whether or not he should answer or if he should ignore it and text back. Relief washed over Yaku when Kuroo’s voice came over the speaker.

“Yakkun! Hello! To what do I owe the honor?”

“Kuroo. I have a… kind of a weird question to ask you.”

“Me? Okay, shoot.” Kuroo must have heard the somber mood. Yaku could feel him dimming his grin, even over the phone.

“Don’t laugh at me. And I don’t want to worry you, but, has…” Yaku knew he sounded crazy. He was going to sound crazy. He was actually going to go crazy if he didn’t ask it. “…has Kenma been in an accident?”

The line went silent. Kuroo’s stoney quiet was all the answer Yaku really needed. He didn’t know how to feel. It felt selfish to be excited by the prospect of the real Lev visiting his dreams when it meant the possible death of Kozume Kenma.

“A van ran a red light. He’s been in a coma for ten days, since the fifteenth,” Kuroo had never sounded so clinical. Yaku imagined him reciting police reports and doctors sheets, keeping his feelings as far from the situation as possible. “Who told you?”

Yaku debated not telling him. But if Lev and Kenma were together in The Beyond, Lev had said Kenma had shown him how to enter dreams. There was a good possibility that Kenma was visiting Kuroo as well.

“Haiba Lev.”

He braced himself for Kuroo’s shock. For laughter. For anything, really, except what he got.

“Oh, how did Lev find out? Are you two finally dating, after you put that whole ‘wait until graduation’ pledge on him?”

“Kuroo.” Yaku balled his free hand into his comforter, wrinkling the obsessively ironed bed surface. “Don’t you fucking joke, you asshole.”

“Yaku?”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t know,” he could feel his voice rising, shaking, “don’t you fucking play with me.”

“Morisuke, what happened?”

“I lost Lev almost a year and a half ago. Are you really so wrapped up in your happy little romance with Kenma that you didn’t know he was sick? Did you miss him walking off the court to throw up during his third year? You came to his games, you didn’t notice how tired he was? How ignorant—!“

“Yaku. Yaku I’m so sorry. I didn’t— life has been so busy, but that’s no excuse. I’m sorry.”

He wasn’t crying. Yaku Morisuke was not about to cry over the phone to Kuroo Tetsurou of all people. His throat was closed. His body was shaking. His nose was running. But he refused to cry.

“How did he tell you about Kenma then?”

“Lev… I had a dream about Lev last night. It felt different. He told me that Kenma had been in an accident and was in a coma, that they were in purgatory together. I thought maybe… don’t laugh, but I thought maybe Lev’s spirit was visiting my dream. There’s no other way I would have known about Kenma.”

Kuroo’s breathing was all that came over the speaker for what felt like hours, slow and even. “I know what you mean,” he responded somberly, “I had a dream with a similar feeling a few days ago.” He took a minute to reflect, the oddities had nagged him for a while now. “Kenma was there. He kept rambling on, nonsense about trying to find a way out of somewhere and trying to figure out how to wake from his coma. None of it sounded like something my subconscious could make up on its own.”

“Lev said Kenma was the one who showed him how to enter dreams. Kuroo. It might sound crazy, but… do you think maybe?”

“Kenma isn’t dead though.” Kuroo stated firmly. No room for debate. “He wouldn’t be in purgatory. He’s unconscious, but he’s alive in the hospital right now.”

“There are those stories, though, of people who see the other side and come back.”

“Do you really think?”

“I think that Lev and Kenma are in purgatory right now and their spirits are trying to communicate to us through dreams, yes.” Somehow saying it aloud made Yaku feel less crazy, it made it more concrete and real.

“Fuck,” Kuroo wasn’t sure if it was good news or bad news. He didn’t know if he should feel relieved or panicked. “Fuck.”

 

-

 

 

 _Fault lines tremble underneath my glass house._  
_But I put it out of my mind_  
_Long enough to call it courage_

 

Sleeping at Last; _Earth_


	6. Haunted Items

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lev is MIA and Kuro has a birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advanced that yall waited so long for a chapter that is mostly sex and foreshadowing

Lev was sprawled out on the couch when Kenma emerged from his room midday. Squeak curled up on his chest, as content and as fast asleep as her perch. Kenma sat in front of the couch, resuming a game on his tablet. They hadn’t spoken much since Christmas. Kenma hadn’t seen Lev much since either. The vulnerability between them was still tender. Kenma had spent most of his time recharging by himself in his room. When he did venture out, Lev wasn’t around. Kenma wasn’t sure if he was in review, on Earth, or just out, but he hadn’t seen the taller man for what felt like a week.

Social battery recharged, Kenma was ready to ween himself back into society. Spending time with a sleeping Lev was the perfect first step. The deep breathing behind him was soothing. He could feel a gentle heat radiating just from being in proximity to another human. The dusty apartment went from an abandoned mood to cozy and warm in Lev’s presence. When his character died, Kenma took the chance to glance at the man sleeping behind him.

Sharp golden eyes met his.

The cat’s gaze was unsettling. Normally, the feline was warm and cuddly, the perfect companion. Something in its eyes pierced Kenma’s nerves in a feral, wild way. She flexed her claws on Lev’s chest, a possessive threat. Thinking about it, he hadn’t seen the cat since Christmas. He had never seen her without Lev, either.

“Lev,” Kenma tapped his hand carefully, eyes locked on the cat’s.

“Kenma?” Lev shifted with a whine.

The cat perked up and looked up to Lev’s face, reverting back from predator to house cat.

“You have a bed, you know.”

Lev rolled his head to the side, blinking wide green eyes at Kenma. “Sorry, Kozume-san. I just meant to rest, then Squeak came to cuddle and I couldn’t push her off.”

“Is she supernatural?”

“No, that’s just the rule. You can’t push a cat off of yourself when they choose to sleep on you. It’s a blessing to be chosen.”

Kenma stood, setting his tablet on the ground, and gingerly lifted the cat by her underarms. “There, I’ve freed you,” he tossed her gently aside for fear of retaliation. “Now you can go sleep in your bed.”

“Thank you, Kozume-san,” Lev yawned, swinging his long legs onto the floor. “Com’on, Squeak, time for bed.” The cat followed Lev into his bedroom, pausing to glare at Kenma before he shut the door.

It wasn’t long before Kenma retreated to his room as well. There was work to be done.

LAST MEMORY: day 7,355  
NEXT MEMORY: day 6,972  
PROCEED PAUSE

He could have done the math. A more organized person might go through each of these days and matched them up to some diary and gone in knowing what to expect. Kenma liked math. But he didn’t know if the effort would really be worth the result. He’d find out the date as soon as he went in anyway.

He tapped “PROCEED”.

He was surprised when he opened his eyes with Koutarou pressed against his side.

“Happy birthday!” The owl’s voice boomed across the room.

There was a confetti shooter in Kenma’s hand and he instinctively pulled the string in sync with Koutarou and Keiji.

In front of them was the most beautiful sight Kenma had seen for days. Kuroo Tetsurou was laughing, color rising on his cheeks, confetti stuck in his hair. Kenma felt his chest twist as the air was pushed from his lungs.

“Happy birthday, Kuro,” he reached up, wrapping his arms around Kuro’s neck and bringing him down for a kiss.

A whoop and Koutarou’s fist to Kuro’s shoulder broke the moment. “Congrats, bro. Another year down.”

Keiji placed a hand at the small of Kenma’s back, joining them. “We made it to midnight, we should go to bed now. You don’t want to sleep through your day tomorrow.”

“Akaashi, don’t be a party pooper. There’s still a bottle of sake left and it won’t mean as much tomorrow night. Unless you’re suggesting day drinking?” Kuro shot him a coy smile.

“I am sure Kenma-san is tired and would like to take you to bed now,” Keiji shot back with a smirk.

“Ohohoh! Kenma! The ultimate birthday gift!” Koutarou slung an arm around him, “don’t worry, we won’t listen too closely.”

Kenma reflected back on what had actually happened. He had been exhausted from staying up late, since he had woken up early that morning. Kuro led him back to the guest room in Keiji and Koutarou’s apartment (which had effectively become their room). Kenma curled up on the bed, instantly halfway to sleep. Kuro kissed his forehead and watched his breathing deepen. Even on the brink of sleep, Kenma could feel Kuro masturbating next to him, the heat rising under the comforter and mattress shaking as he struggled to be discrete.

This time he wasn’t nearly as tired. He had just woken up a few hours ago in the afterworld. “Don’t be gross, Koutarou,” Kenma huffed as he pushed the man’s arm off of his shoulders.

“Just don’t forget that Akaashi’s going to have to wash those sheets later!” Koutarou hollered after them as Kenma led Kuro down the hall.

Behind the closed door, Kuro placed a chaste kiss on top of Kenma’s head. “Thank you for a great start to my birthday.”

Kenma wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and held him tight, breathing a heavy sigh of relief against his chest. Being alone with Kuro felt like melting in the best way. As comfortable as Kenma was with Koutarou and Keiji, his muscles still ached with tension after being around that many people for too long. Here, alone with Kuro, he could feel every fiber relaxing.

“You’re probably exhausted,” Kuro huffed as he lifted Kenma, carrying him to the bed, “I know you were up early to play Monster Hunter this morning.”

“Hmnnn,” Kenma groaned in annoyance, rolling on his side and motioning for Kuro to curl up behind him.

“Alright, Little Spoon, alright,” the taller man chuckled, peeling off his shirt and sliding in behind him. “Come here,” he wrapped a muscled arm around Kenma’s chest. Kenma brought his hand up to hold Kuro’s, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb.

He couldn’t help the small smirk that grew along with the bulge in the front of Kuro’s sweatpants. He knew the man had a weak spot for spooning. How Kuro hadn’t figured out this pattern was beyond Kenma. He shifted a leg back over Kuro’s, bringing his top leg in between Kenma’s. Kuro’s sharp intake of breath when Kenma pushed back against him was sorely gratifying.

“I thought you said you were tired?”

“I never said that, you assumed,” Kenma took Kuro’s hand in his, slowly dragging it down his body. Kuro’s breath came hot on his neck, panting quietly just for Kenma.

“You’re not worried— ah— that they’ll hear us?”

“If they do, then you better make me sound good,” Kenma rolled over, pinning Kuro under him. The taller man squirmed, hands clutching the pillow around his head as Kenma lapped and sucked a trail down his neck and collarbone. He knew Kuro had a thing for marking, but didn’t like wearing the marks in public (“strangers don’t need to know that about me, it’s inappropriate,” he says). Kenma treads carefully, leaving tender marks along Kuro’s collarbone and shoulder while the man whined above him.

Kenma works his legs between Kuro’s, forcing his thighs apart. Kuro eagerly accepts the position, flexing his hips upward, seeking more attention.

“My Tetsurou, always so obedient,” he smirked, reaching a hand between them to knead the growing length in Kuro’s pants.

“Kenmaaaa, that’s not fair, pulling out my name so early in the game,” his face and neck were turning red with embarrassment and strain. Kenma reached in his pants to find his length coated thick with precome.

“You really are wet for me, aren’t you? Everyone’s favorite captain likes to bottom, doesn’t he?” Kenma teased him with long firm strokes.

“Yes! Please!”

“You’re going to be good for me?” He yanked at Kuro’s waistband. The man nodded enthusiastically, lifting his legs together so that Kenma could slide them off. Tossing them aside, he shifted away from Kuro, crawling up beside him and tossing his own shorts. He silenced the man’s frustrated whimper with a finger to his lips, “you promised to be good.”

Kuro stayed obediently quiet and still, excitement mounting as Kenma turned his body. His breath hitched as Kenma swung a leg over his face, aligning his erection with Kuro’s begging mouth. Kuro wrapped his arms around Kenma’s hips, pulling him deeper with enthusiasm.

Kenma sat up, reaching over to grab a bottle of lubricant from the side table, effectively forcing the length of his cock down Kuro’s throat. “You’re shameless,” Kenma smirked as Kuro moaned around him. He bent and braced his elbows next to Kuro’s hips, tracing the inside of his thighs, which spread to allow his fingers to go further. The bottle cap opened with a satisfying ‘click’ and Kenma slicked his finger, dribbling some along Kuro’s opening as well. He squirmed at the sudden cold liquid, but remained pacified by Kenma’s cock.

“Tetsurou,” Kenma moaned before swallowing the head of Kuro’s length, simultaneously sinking the tip of his finger past the ring of muscle. Kuro stopped paying active attention to the cock in his mouth, mind going to fog at the intrusion. Kenma bobbed his head in shallow strokes, letting his tongue and suction do most of the stimulating. His finger gently slid into Kuro’s depths, flexing against the velvety walls.

As soon as Kuro relaxed to enough presence of mind to start savoring Kenma again, the smaller man slipped another finger in. He scissored in long strokes as Kuro groaned around him. This time he didn’t wait for Kuro to accommodate again before adding a third finger in between the first two. Kuro responded by tightening his hug around Kenma’s hips, driving him deep into his throat. Kenma undulated his hips into the wet heat of Kuro’s throat, picking up the pace with his fingers and tongue.

Lost in the pleasure, Kuro released his hug on Kenma’s hips, choosing instead to dig his fingers into his flesh. With a cry, Kenma’s cock slipped out of Kuro’s mouth and across his cheek. Kuro sunk his teeth into Kenma’s hip. A hand wandered down to press on Kenma’s back pleadingly as he felt heat building.

Kenma thrust a fourth finger inside, holding his hand in deep with his thumb massaging Kuro’s balls. He hallowed his cheeks, increasing pressure with each suck, until he felt the first pulse of come on his tongue. Kuro thrust with a strangled cry as he emptied himself into Kenma’s mouth.

Kenma sucked until he was sure Kuro had nothing more to offer before turning, making sure Kuro was watching his throat bob when he swallowed. Kuro’s eyes were blown wide, unfocused. He was flushed red from the shoulders up. The marks Kenma had made blossomed purple against the red field. Kenma smirked, knowing he’d have a matching mark on his hip.

“Such a good boy, Tetsurou. Come on, we’re not done yet,” Kenma repositioned himself between Kuro’s legs. He slicked his hand with lube, first coating himself, then using some more to coax Kuro’s softening cock. He bent down and kissed Kuro deep, making sure the man felt what he had done to his mouth. When Kenma finally slid inside Kuro’s awaiting heat, neither could hide the hungry moans that ripped from their throats.

Kenma thrust shallow and deep, using slow and purposeful strokes to bring Kuro back to attention. At this point, Kenma was barely holding it together. Heat was concentrating low in his body, sending sparks of sensation until all he could feel was pleasure. But he was determined not to come until Kuro was ready again.

He paused with his cock fully penetrating Kuro, whining as his walls clenched around him. Kuro’s cock was half hard in his hand, but not enough.

“Tetsurou, touch me. I want to feel your hands on my body,” Kenma breathed in his ear, hand encouraging him harder.

“Kenma. I love you. I love you,” Kuro almost sobbed from sensitivity, hands groping at Kenma’s back. He felt the softening muscles of his shoulders, tracing the curve from his ribs to waist.

“God, Tetsurou, you’re making it so hard to hold it together right now,” Kenma shuttered. His arm began to cramp, but Kuro was almost fully hard again. He shifted his weight, switching hands, now peppering the other side of Kuro’s face with kisses.

“I won’t last long this time,” he keened with warning.

“I know. I know, baby. Don’t hold back for me. I’m going to move again,” Kenma kept his thrusts deep and slow. He buried his face in Kuro’s neck, mind lost in the heat coming off of his chest, the heat of the arms around him, the heat of Kuro’s thighs begging him to stay, the heat from inside him luring him in deeper, everything was hot and Kenma’s head was spinning.

Kuro wasn’t in much better shape. Still sensitive from his first orgasm, his cock was straining to handle Kenma’s administrations. The heat of the smaller man settled heavy on his chest as Kenma’s breaths enveloped his face and neck. His body was too exhausted to respond. He relished the sensations sweeping his body as he laid still and let Kenma fuck into him.

“Kuro, I’m gonna—“ Kenma’s warning came late as he sunk his teeth into Kuro’s shoulder, hips stuttering as he shot deep in Kuro’s heat.

“Kenma! I can feel you—“

“I’m still coming, just let me,” Kenma groaned, feeling of beginning of Kuro’s second orgasm washing over his hand while he pumped hims tiring hips to their limit.

Kuro kissed the side of his face, bringing up a hand to guide their lips together. Kuro’s cock lay spent on his stomach as Kenma felt his own deposit his last pulse of come. “God, I’m a mess aren’t I?”

“Are you trying to tell me something?”

“It _is_ my birthday after all. I shouldn’t have to clean myself up.”

“You’re a brat,” Kenma chided, but he still shifted down. Kuro rolled onto his stomach, lifting his hips from the mattress and bracing himself on his elbows. Feeling a little vengeful, Kenma grabbed his hips, forcing them higher, before plunging his tongue into Kuro’s hole. Kuro’s cry was satisfying. Kenma. Dug his nails into Kuro’s hips, leaving little half moon marks as he lapped at the come that leaked down his boyfriend’s thigh. Despite his own exhaustion, he waited for Kuro to give in first, arms giving out and plopping his face in the pillows. His legs went limp and Kenma let them fall back into the bed.

Crawling back up the bed, he nestled into his boyfriends’ back. “Happy birthday, Tetsurou. I love you.”

Kuro shuttered, mumbling something resembling “I love you too” as sleep engulfed his tired body.

 

-

 

“Kuroo!” Came the wake up call, “Kuroo! Happy birthday!” The bed dipped as Koutarou climbed onto his best friend.

Kenma opened his eyes with hesitation, hoping that maybe Koutarou would forget he was here. Definitely hoping that he wouldn’t notice that the two men were naked under the sheets. When he cracked open his eyelids, the first sight to greet him was Keiji kneeling on his side of the bed. By the time Kenma’s eyes focused, Keiji had looked away.

“Did you have a good birthday night? Huh?” Koutarou was roughhousing Kuro awake, taking advantage of his disoriented state. “Ohohohoh! Looks like someone did!”

Kenma’s face blanched as he felt the tell-tale draft of the sheets being lifted.

“Bokuto!” Keiji to the rescue, placing a firm hand on Kenma’s hip to keep the sheet in place. “They are awake now. Perhaps we should let them get dressed in peace.”

“Do you see Kuroo’s shoulder though! It looks like he was mauled by a giant squid!” Koutarou waved his arms for emphasis.

Kenma hid his face in his pillow.

“Come help me make breakfast, Bokuto,” Keiji’s hand left and his footsteps started towards the door.

“You never let me help in the kitchen,” Koutarou’s weight left the bed, following Keiji out. Their voices drifted down the hall.

“That’s because you’re always slapping my backside. It makes cooking very difficult.”

“Kuro,” Kenma whined into the pillow.

The bed shifted as Kuro rolled over, draping his naked weight over Kenma, his chest to the smaller man’s back. “Kenma.”

“I think they listened last night.”

“No, Bokuto maybe but Akashi—“

“Keiji wouldn’t look me in the eyes. And he knew I’d be naked if Koutarou lifted the sheets.”

“Does he normally look you in the eyes? He knows you hate eye contact.”

“I don’t hate it,” Kenma lifted his face out of the pillow, “I don’t hate it with you three. And Shouyo.”

Kuro chuckled, the vibration traveling from deep in his chest through Kenma’s back, “if they listened, that’s on them. You were amazing last night. They’d be jealous.”

“I dunno,” Kenma returned the light laughter, “Keiji’s probably into kinbaku.”

“Fuck,” Kuro shuttered at the thought of Koutarou bound in elegant rope patterns while Keiji wore a calculating gaze, “you’re probably right. Maybe we should listen in on them next time.”

“If you savor the delicious breakfast Akaashi slaved over before it gets cold, maybe we’ll even let you watch,” the two jumped at the sound of Koutarou’s voice from the door, “hurry up and put on some clothes! Or don’t, it’s _your_ birthday.”

The two listened for him to go before begrudgingly pulling on sweatpants, both wincing as the waistbands rested on fresh bruises on their hips. Kenma stole Kuro’s sweatshirt. Kuro’s t-shirt just barely covered the marks on his collar.

Keiji didn’t look up when they entered the kitchen. A smirk already crossed his face as he finished plating the food. “A good start to your birthday, Kuroo-san?”

“It’s already the best one yet,” the man grinned.

Kenma felt contentment swell in his chest as he sat down between Kuro and Koutarou. Keiji sat across from him, handing plates along the table.

It wasn’t that Kenma had an unhappy family life, but when he was sitting with these three in the quiet of the early morning, he got the sense of what family was meant to be.

 

-

_Are you going to age with grace?_

_Are you going to age without mistakes?_

_Are you going to age with grace?_

_Or only to wake and hide your face?_

 

_When oblivion_

_Is calling out your name_

 

Bastille; _Oblivion_

-

 

The empty chair was terrible. Kuro hated it. It was obvious that everyone was uncomfortable, but nobody wanted to remove it. It felt silly, weak, to be upset over an empty chair. 

It felt like removing it was admitting defeat.

Keiji spent most of breakfast watching Kuro eat, making sure he ate. Koutarou was quiet. Eventually they stopped eating, despite the amount of food on their plates. Keiji told himself it was because he had made too much to quell his anxiety. It had nothing to do with only knowing proportions for either two or four people. 

“Are you ready to expand on what you had texted us?” Keiji tried to meet Kuro’s gaze, “you said you talked to Kenma.

“Yeah, I found a way to talk to him, but you have to hear me out.”

“Is this one of those things where he taps his finger once for yes and two for no? Or is it Morse code? Does Kenma know morse code? Is that the secret to why it always seemed like you could read each others’ minds?”

“No, Bokuto, Kenma hasn’t stirred yet. Hear me out, okay? I talked to Kenma in a dream,” Kuro paused to see if Keiji’s face would waver. His expression remained stoney. “Not just a dream version of Kenma, either.”

Keiji laced his fingers together on the table, “continue.”

“He told me something about being stuck in purgatory— and—well, saying it to you guys I sound crazy. But Yaku called me yesterday. He had said Lev had told him Kenma was in an accident. Except Lev passed away last year and Yaku didn’t know Kenma was in an accident, and—“

“So Haiba-san visited Yaku-san in a dream.”

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t mean that Kenma visited you. If Haiba visited Yaku, meaning the dead can visit the living in dreams, it doesn’t mean we can reach Kenma that way. Kenma’s alive.”

It was hard not to take Keiji’s irritation to heart. Kuro knew he sounded desperate. “Lev said they were roommates, that they’re in limbo together. And last time Kenma was in one of my dreams he kept talking about escaping somewhere.”

“Kuroo-san, it’s not that I don’t believe you, but you’re under a lot of stress. Why don’t you stay here for a while.”

“I couldn’t—“

“Your apartment is currently a storage container for Kenma’s belongings while his parents sort out his apartment situation. You’re being haunted by him. Stay here for the weekend to clear your head.”

Kuro let his shoulders fall, “alright, I’ll grab some stuff and be right back.”

 

-

 

From where he was curled on the couch, Kenma watched Kuro step out of Keiji and Koutarou’s apartment, closing the door gently behind him. He typed out a text on his phone before descending the stairs and heading to the train station. 

Kenma set the tablet aside, still opened to Kuro’s commute home. His stomach grumbled as he slid off the couch.

“Leeev,” he peered into the other man’s room. The lit tablet sitting on the desk told him that his roommate was still immersed. He hadn’t seen Lev surface from immersion for what felt like a few days. He hadn’t seen the cat either. It had been quiet. As much as he loved the quiet, at some point it got eerie and lonely.

Not to mention hungry. Kenma wasn’t good at reminding himself to eat, that’s what he had Kuro— and now Lev— for. He was even worse at making the food. Most of what was in the cabinets required preparation. Even if Kenma had the patience for preparing food from scratch, the aging appliances in the apartment were beyond his skill level. He managed to make some rice, more or less. It was a bit undercooked. Kenma could pretend not to notice the crunch, he could pretend it was just for texture.

When he returned to the couch, bowl in hand, Kuro was seated on his bed. He held his phone in his hands, furiously sending text after text, attempting a phone call every couple of messages.

“Dammit, Yaku, pick up. Where are you.”

Kenma cringed as Kuro audibly ground his teeth, distracting himself by panning the room. Boxes were stacked against the wall. Kenma kicked himself for not thinking about what would happen to his apartment. There was no point in paying the rent for who knows how long. It made sense to box up his things and move them out.

But it felt like a wake.

Haunted items.

“Ah! Yaku! Where were you?” Kuro finally got an answer on the phone, “why were you sleeping? It’s noon. You’re the last person I would expect to sleep until noon.”

“Maow.”

Kenma looked up from his tablet to see the cat staring at him, green eyes seeming as wide as his rice bowl. Had the cat always been this big? He could have sworn it was a kitten, but upon further inspection it looked as big as a maine coon, if not a lynx.

He remembered it looking friendlier, too. Now the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end.

He was going to be devoured.

“Kozume-san!” Kenma was snapped from his daze by Lev’s entrance. The taller man still wore a wide grin, but his face had taken a sunken pallor.

“Lev,” Kenma’s attempt to approach his roommate was stilled by the cat growling behind him. “Where’ve you been?”

“With Yaku-san,” Lev closed the distance for him, draping long arms over Kenma’s shoulders. “It’s like being alive, Kenma. We can come back to life.”

 

-

 

_One need not be a Chamber—to be Haunted—_  
_One need not be a House—_  
_The Brain has Corridors—surpassing_  
_Material Place—_

 

Emily Dickinson; _670_


	7. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma makes a pledge in hopes of getting his life back.

“Have you heard of a _Grim_ before? Or more specifically, a _Wampus Cat_?”

“There was a Grim in one of my games, but it was definitely a dog. They’re like animal grim reapers, right?”

Keiji nodded as he knelt on the library floor, several small stacks of books on the floor around him. Kenma sat opposite him, legs crossed. Every time he tried to count the stacks, they seemed to shift and lose focus. _Damn dream physics._

“The black dog is a common one. Though I imagine death comes differently to everyone and most people just happen to see a dog. The Wampus Cat is an American myth. It’s a Grim that takes the shape of a black panther. It’s particularly drawn to the dead who were not prepared to die.”

Kenma shook his head, “but Lev was ready. He had been sick for a while, he made his peace. And it’s been over a year, wouldn’t a grim have come for him already if he needed one?”

A notebook laid open between them. The only words that appeared on the page were the ones Keiji was currently skimming. They appeared as soon as his eyes grazed them and disappeared as soon as he absorbed them. “Your task is to perform a review of your life, correct?”

“Yes, we have to go through important dates in reverse.”

“Presumably, by the end of the review you will be prepared to move on to the next life. Is Lev effectively performing this task?”

“Yeah, he showed me— oh.”

Keiji lifted his gaze to Kenma’s face, waiting patiently for the man to process his thoughts.

“I showed Lev how to enter dreams. He’s been spending every second he can in Mori’s dreams. I don’t think he’s done a review since Christmas.”

“Kuro has confirmed that Yaku-san spends most of his time sleeping. He wasn’t answering the phone, so Kuro paid him a visit. His room was littered with sleeping medication. He’s dropped out of school. He’s quit his job. He was very angry at Kuro for waking him.”

“So because I showed Lev how to enter dreams… I ruined his acceptance to die and pretty much ruined Mori’s life.”

“Kenma,” Keiji tenderly tapped Kenma’s chin, lifting him to meet his gaze, “this is not your fault.”

“What happens with the cat? It’s just been following him around, guarding him, growing bigger and bigger.”

“It’s growing? Well, I imagine that is grows with Lev’s reluctance to move on, until it reaches full size.”

“What happens when it becomes a full grown panther?”

Keiji’s face turned stony. Kenma winced.

“Kenma,” Keiji closed the notebook, setting it aside to move closer to Kenma, “how do I know this is real you and not dream you?”

“When Kuro opens his sports drinks, he only folds the seal back halfway and leaves it under the lid.”

“That’s strange.”

“And I love him. Take care of him, Keiji.”

 

-

 

Keiji woke slowly, reluctantly. Koutarou’s back was pressed against his. He could hear Kuroo breathing deeply on the other side. It was a squeeze, but they made it work.

 _We should invest in a bigger bed_ , Keiji swung his legs out with a stretch, _so we have room when Kenma wakes up._ He made a bleary path to the kitchen, starting the coffee maker before sitting on the floor. His exhaustion weighed heavily on his body, which was odd considering how deeply he slept. He had dreamed… something. Something sweet and warm, he remembered. It smelled like old books and dusty library carpet. And cinnamon. And sweat. Kenma. It felt like quiet moments with Kenma.

_When Kenma wakes up, we won’t need a bigger bed. Because he and Kuroo will leave together._

Keiji stood up to pour his coffee. It was going to be an emotionally exhausting day.

Kenma stood by their bedside for a quiet minute before resurfacing. Keiji was waking, but Koutarou and Kuro were still spooned together fast asleep. The two larger men didn’t leave a lot of room in the king sized bed for slender Keiji. There definitely wasn’t room for him.

He knew logically that Kuro would rather be back in their bed alone than in Koutarou’s bed without him. Talking logic to himself didn’t help the jealousy that squirmed up his stomach. He knew it was selfish to expect Kuro to wait for him.

“Kuro,” he knelt by the bedside, “I think I know what I need to do. I need to save Lev, help him move on. Then I can come back to you. Don’t give up on me.”

[RESURFACE]

 

-

 

The apartment was musty, quiet apart from wind howling across the thin walls. Dust had settled on the floorboards. It had always kind of looked like a squatter’s loft, now it looked completely abandoned.

Kenma peeked into Lev’s room. It was empty. He didn’t have the energy to chase after him today, much less confront the cat. He checked the fridge. Also empty. Kenma wondered idly if he could die of starvation in limbo.

Back in his room, a storm was threatening to shatter his window. The wind ripped through the cracks of the building as water trickled across the seams. Kenma gathered his blankets and pillow, marching over to Lev’s room where the wind wasn’t hitting as hard.

“If he’s not gonna use his futon, I will,” Kenma grumbled, building himself a nest and falling into a deep sleep.

Loneliness laid heavily on his shoulders.

-

_Devil's on your shoulder_

_Strangers in your head_

_As if you don't remember_

_As if you can forget_

Aquilo, “Silhouette”

 

-

 

LAST MEMORY: day 6,972

NEXT MEMORY: day 6,814

PROCEED PAUSE

 

-

 

Dark and murky. It felt like drowning. Kenma bolted awake, gasping for air. Dread set on him, like a nightmare forgotten but still haunting. Heavy curtains blocked out most of the sun, small beams creeping through the cracks. He checked his phone. June 12th, over a year since graduation. It was already one in the afternoon. Whatever made today special, he was already more than halfway through it.

“Do we have plans today?” He texted Kuro, then flipped on his TV. It took him a while to remember what part he was on in this game, but it was a fun little throwback.

Thirty minutes later, his phone vibrated. “We’re still at training camp, babe. I’ll be back on Friday, remember? We can video chat during dinner if you want! I bet the boys would love it if you joined us. Or I can call you tonight when I get some time alone ;)”

Kenma went back to playing his game, waiting for whatever important life lesson was supposed to come his way. Dread set into his stomach, nauseating. Every time he checked the clock, a few more hours slipped away. His phone never buzzed with anyone missing him.

By 9 o’clock he was fidgeting, unable to focus on his game. He tried pacing the kitchen, eating some leftover curry Kuro had left him. He felt the day wasting away, but couldn’t think of a way to stop it. Even if he tried to think of a way to be productive, he couldn’t. He had skipped work for the day, it isn’t like he had schoolwork, and Kuro always kept his apartment immaculate. He tried to think of any other productive task that older people urged people his age to do.

He dialed his mother.

On the second ring, he winced, remembering the time. It was too late to change his mind, she’d already be awake and heading towards the phone now. Two rings later he heard a groggy “hello?”

“Hi Mom.”

“Kenma, what’s wrong? It’s late.”

“I just… felt like I should call you. I’m sorry,” he thought of his mom, probably sitting in the kitchen in a light weight robe. Her face patient as she readily listened to her son. He thought of all the ways he fell short of being the perfect child and how they contrasted with all the ways she made a perfect mother.

They talked about his work, his eating habits, and Kuro. Kenma asked about his father, the garden, and the cat. He even asked about the neighbors, just wanting to continue hearing his mother’s voice.

“Oh! And Shibayama-San says one of your old team mates is in the hospital. You should pay him a visit, it doesn’t sound good.”

“Lev,” it dawned on him.

“Yes, I think that’s who he said.”

“Thank you, Mom, I’ll let you get to bed.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he hung up, tapping his screen idly tapping the screen before pulling up social media.

  >>Haiba Alisa: My Lyovochka, my brave lionheart you fought hard. Today we lay my brother to rest after months of fighting. Melanoma happens fast and it hits hard. Even the strongest aren’t invincible. There is no shame in resting your head. Rest well little brother. You’ll be missed.

It was 10 o’clock on June 12th. He had wasted his second chance to say goodbye.

In retrospect, he had been wasting chances his whole life. Normally he would have been content gaming all day, for days on end. Today had been just one of many wasted, one of many that could have been used to reach out and do something worth while.

He stared at Lev’s profile picture in disbelief. He lost him so quietly. He slipped away on a day just like any other and Kenma never noticed.

He watched the clock hit midnight, determined not to lose him again.

 

—-

 

“‘Keiji, what’s wrong? Your face is doing the unfocused thing. What’re your big thoughts?”

Keiji looked up to see Koutarou handing him a glass of water. As soon as he tried to wrangle his nebulous mood into words, it escapes him. He locks eyes with his boyfriend as Koutarou sits next to him, letting the eye contact ground him.

“Koutarou, I’m gonna ask you a question. Promise to be honest with me, no matter what.”

He shifted nervously, “okay, I promise.”

“Are you in love with Kuroo,” Keiji watched his boyfriend’s face flush, “it’s okay to say yes. It’s okay if it’s not a simple yes.”

“I’m in love with you, Keiji,” Koutarou insisted.

“Yes, I know. But do you like having Kuroo here, as a part of our family?”

“Yes.”

“You would be upset if he went back to living in his own apartment.”

“Yes.”

“You get comfort from him sharing our bed every night.”

“Yes, I do.”

“When Kenma wakes up, could you see us living together as one family as opposed to two couples?”

To Keiji’s surprise, Koutarou’s expression went soft. His mind obviously wandered into a well worn day dream. “We would need a bigger bed. Kuroo and I could turn the guest room into a weight room. You and Kenma would wake up together. You’d make tea while he plays his games before work. On Sundays we’d all work together to prepare the week’s lunches. I would carry Kenma to bed after he fell asleep during a movie. It just feels right, it makes sense to me.”

“It makes sense to me, too,” Keiji took his hands with a reassuring smile, “we should talk to Kuroo.”

They resolved to talk after dinner. Kuro came back from his after-class run with enough time to grab a shower while Keiji set the table. Koutarou finished putting the food on the table as they sat down.

Kuro set his half empty sports drink on the table.

The just-there memory that had been nagging Keiji all day finally came forth. 

“Kuroo?”

“What’s up, Akaashi?”

Koutarou twisted nervously in his seat, “I thought we were going to wait until after—“

“Do you do something different when you open your sports drinks? When peeling off the seal?”

“Oh! Haha,” Kuro unscrewed the cap of his bottle, “yeah, I fold it back halfway. It aerates it, making it taste better.”

Keiji tapped the table, gathering his thoughts, fragments finally taking shape. “I think you were right. I think Kenma visited me in a dream. He told me about the sports drink, something I wouldn’t have already known.”

“You talked with Kenma?! What did he say?”

“He needed help with something. Lev was in danger. I don’t remember exactly.”

“He’s safe though, right? He’s always quiet in my dreams; I never thought he’d be in danger.”

“I don’t know, honestly. He seemed fine, but the dream filled me with dread.”

They finished dinner in tense silence. As Kuro gathered the dirty dishes, Koutarou threw Keiji a questioning look.

“Kuroo, are you in a good place to talk? Emotionally speaking? I know you’re worried about Kenma.”

Kuro finished stacking the dishes in the sink and returned to the table. “Am I in trouble? I can go back to my apartment if you need me to, I’ll be okay. I—“

“It’s the opposite!” Koutarou blurted, stunning Kuro into silence. “Actually… we like having you here. As more than a friend.”

“We were wondering,” Keiji gently captured his hand, “if you and Kenma would want to live here, as one family, when he’s ready to come home.”

It took Kuro a moment to realize it was his time to talk. “I… hadn’t really thought about it. I’ve been— things have been— it’s been an emotional time.”

“You don’t have to answer right now, it’s okay.”

“I want us to talk it over with Kenma first, face-to-face, when he wakes up. I’m visiting tomorrow. He’s due for another MRI. So, I don’t know…”

“It’s okay, Kuroo, there’s no pressure.”

“I like being a part of this,” Kuroo gestured to the table, “I just don’t want Kenma to be blindsided when he gets back.”

“I understand,” Keiji took Koutarou’s hand, rising and placing a kiss on Kuroo’s crown. He excused himself, leaving Kuroo alone to think.

 

—-

 

 Kenma watched the clock hit midnight, the world blinking back to Lev’s room in their shared apartment. It was quiet, as he suspected. Lev was deep in immersion. Kenma was braced to follow him, pulling Mori up on his tablet app. 

The immersion was disorienting. It took Kenma’s eyes a few seconds to adjust to the dark. Blackout curtains were pulled over the small window. Garbage was littered across Mori’s normally tidy room. The man himself was curled in his well worn bed. The smell of sweat blanketed the room, growing stronger as Kenma approached Mori. He wished for a moment he could wake him and make him go shower. Instead he took a deep breath and entered his dream.

Kenma kept his eyes closed for a moment, expecting to be greeted by explicit sounds. He opened them when he heard Lev’s laughter.

He found himself in a nondescript fast food joint. The two were just eating lunch. Mori was listening intently to Lev telling a story. Neither had noticed him. A third pair of eyes did latch onto him. At Lev’s feet perched the black cat, now the size of a Labrador.  

Bravery wasn’t something Kenma was known for, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t something he possessed. He could be brave for the right people. He stared down the cat, unblinking, though he wasn’t confident in his ability to win a melee with the beast. Kenma wasn’t entirely sure what happened when you died in the afterlife, but he wasn’t interested in finding out or the pain that would come with it.

Regardless, it wasn’t the cat that was the problem; it was Lev’s work ethic. Convincing the man to abandon his newfound love life and return to the dreary work of dying would probably be equally as uncomfortable and difficult as fighting a small wild cat.

Kenma approached with caution. The cat stood, snarling at Lev’s feet. Puffing up his chest and squaring his shoulders, Kenma reached over the cat to grasp Lev’s shoulder. Both men turned to look at him.

“Kenma! Hello!” Lev’s grin reached his ears. “Are you here for lunch? Do you want to sit with us?”

“Kenma,” Mori looked at him as if he were a ghost— not that he wasn’t, but the wide eyes seemed uncalled for, “are you alright?”

“You mean, am I dead? At this point it’s unclear, I guess. My body is still going, I guess, though I haven’t seen it for a couple of months now,” he gave a dark laugh, “honestly, I’ve gotten so accustomed to being a ghost that I don’t know if I’ll remember how to live if I go back.”

“You should go back, Kuroo is worried. He keeps calling me.”

Kenma could feel the cat pressing up against his legs, “I’ll visit later if you wake up. I need to take Lev home.”

Before either man could argue with him, Kenma paced around and shoved the back of Mori’s chair, hooking his foot behind the legs, tipping him backwards.

Mori shot awake, gasping for breath. Lev and Kenma stood by the bed, eyes adjusting to the dark room.

“That was mean, Kenma! You scared him!”

“Lev!  Look at him. Look at what you’re doing to him.” He gestured to the room.

The taller man looked down at him with wide, innocent eyes, “what do you mean?” The cat sat beside him, letting him absentmindedly stroke its head.

 Kenma groaned in frustration, “describe Mori to me, what do you love about him?”

“Well, he always wants the best for me, he took care of me when I was sick, and he’s hard working.”

“Now look at him. He hasn’t showered for days, he’s taking pills like an addict, living in squalor, he’s quit his job and he’s dropped out of school. Is that the Mori you know?”

Lev’s hand stilled on the cat’s head, causing it to huff it’s displeasure. “But he wants to be an investigator. He studies hard.”

“Not anymore. Haven’t you noticed that he spends all of his time with you?”

He looked offended at Kenma’s accusation, “yes, and I help him study.”

“Yeah, well, he has to be asleep in order to do that. He’s studying for nothing because he’s sleeping through school. He’s been suspended.”

When his breathing settled down, Mori reached for another dose of sleep aid.

“And look at him, he’s filthy. He’s always been well kept, but now I’m pretty sure they’ll have to shave his head. That matted mess is never washing out.”

“But I— I like spending time with him.”

“Lev,” Kenma grabbed his shoulders, turning him towards himself, “I understand it’s hard, but you’re dead. You have a job to do. Let’s go home and work on it. You can visit again tomorrow, deal?”

Lev’s face turned stony, “deal.”

 

[RESURFACE]

 

Lev’s stoniness turned to blatant irritation when he realized they resurfaced in his room. He glanced from Kenma to the doubled up bedding on his futon. “Don’t you have your own room?”

“It was storming when I left. Your window doesn’t get the wind.”

“It’s sunny now,” he gestured pointedly out the window.

“I’ll get out of your hair. Don’t forget to keep up with your reviews. I’ll see you at dinner.” Kenma gathered his blankets and returned to his room, exhausted. He propped up his tablet beside his pillow, pulling up Kuro’s feed.

He drifted off to sleep before the doctor said “vegetative.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lev's death is based on the death of one of my classmates who passed just before prom my senior year of high school. He passed away from melanoma on May 12, 2008. I pushed Lev a month later due to how the school year runs in Japan.


	8. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma's diagnosis creates tension and doubt.

“You know it unnerves me when you do that.”

Kenma looked up from his handheld game to see Kuro looming over him. He put the game in his pocket with a mumbled “sorry.”

“Why do you come into my dreams if you don’t want to talk?”

“I just miss being in your presence,” he pulled on the taller man’s hand, begging him to sit beside him. Kuro humored him, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “Helping Lev rehabilitate while taking care of my own tasks is hard. Being with you helps me recharge.” Kenma let himself melt into his boyfriend’s side.

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just… when you’re sitting there, quiet, with a blank expression, it just feels like…”

“It feels like that drooling, glassy eyed vegetable that you visit in the hospital sometimes.”

“Don’t be cruel.”

“No, you’re right. I haven’t really changed, have I? I still just sit in one place and stare into space. The only difference is the diaper,” Kenma stood with a huff, walking a few steps before turning on Kuro. “Don’t worry, I’ll get rid of that cat soon. I’m sure that’ll magically return my brain functions so at least you won’t be changing diapers for the rest of your life.”

“Kenma!”

He closed his eyes and let himself fall backwards, falling out of the dream.

-

The smell of bell peppers greeted him back at the apartment. Lev stood in the kitchen, smiling contently as he flipped an omelette. A tiny black kitten slept in the hood of his sweatshirt. His smile faded when he noticed Kenma enter.

“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon. You usually spend longer in immersion,” there was an edge of bitterness in his voice.

“Can you not be mad at me too, just this once?”

“What, did Kuroo get mad at you for ruining his life?”

“He got mad at me for existing quietly,” Kenma flopped onto the couch.

Lev sighed, plating his omelette and coming to sit on the couch. “You have to admit, there’s something spooky about a ghost that stands in the corner watching quietly.”

Kenma glared at the taller man, not wanting to have this conversation again. The kitten yawned in Lev’s hood. “How’re your reviews going?”

Lev scooped up another forkful of omelette, “do you focus on my workload to distract from your own failing relationship?”

“We’re not failing!” Kenma snapped, “it’s just a really confusing time for us.”

“Sounds like someone doesn’t want to let go of a relationship even though they’re dead. That’s weird.”

“I’m not dead yet!”

“Oh, I forgot, you’re a living, breathing vegetable! Lucky you. I’m sure you can still get married and have beautiful children together. Tell little Tom and Lettie that Uncle Lev has to miss their birthday party because Papa pushed him into oblivion.”

“Was that a— Tomatoes aren’t even vegetables!”

“Oh, I get it Kenma, you’re SO smart and I’m SO dumb,” Lev stood, “I’m going to finish this in my room.”

“Lev—“ Kenma moved to stand in his way.

“Quit the act, you never cared about me anyway. You can thank your precious review for reminding me of that,” Lev sidestepped him, reaching his room in a few long strides, and slamming the door behind him.

But he had left his tablet on the coffee table.

Kenma listened for him to settle in his room before tip toeing over. Luckily neither had bothered to set passcodes on their devices. Kenma swiped it open. Review. Journal.

Reading over the recent entries, he was able to place the time as Lev’s first year at Nekoma.

>>Kenma-san and I saved a cat today! He was so smart; he climbed on my shoulders in order to calm it down. It was really fun getting to work together! Hopefully we will synchronize soon, we will make the best team!

>>>In review, Kenma was exasperated by me the whole time. He didn’t want to save the cat, he hates animals. I don’t know why he bothered to humor me. He didn’t actually do anything but make me loose my balance.

Entry after entry of young Lev, full of life and the best expectations for humanity, followed by the current Lev’s much darker entries.

Despite all of his powers of observation, it took four years and three journal entries for Kenma to realize it.

“Lev had a crush on me.”

He kept skimming the pages until he came across his third year.

>>Training camp is going well! We’ve won most of our matches, so I haven’t had to do many penalties. Kenma and I have been doing extra practice! Hinata was surprised, not even he could get Kenma to do extra practice with him. I don’t remember Kuroo-san getting him to do it either. I must be really special.

>>>I confessed to Kenma. I know he and Tora aren’t dating yet, but he still turned me down. He couldn’t give me a reason, he just turned bright red and refused to talk. I noticed a love bite on his shoulder when we were in the bath. I guess it was never me.

>>Tora announced that he and Kenma are dating. I’m happy for them.

>>>They don’t suit each other at all.

“Oh,” he locked the device and returned it to the table. Kenma quietly padded over to Lev’s bedroom door. “Lev. Can we talk?”

The only response was the gentle creek of wooden floorboards before Lev opened the door, eyes puffy. “Are you here to lecture me again?”

“No, actually, I want to apologize.”

Lev stepped aside, motioning for Kenma to join him. They sat across from each other on the floor in silence while Lev finished his omelette and Kenma gathered his courage.

“I’m sorry that I was cold to you, Lev. Not just recently, but also in high school,” he fought to keep his resolve as sharp green eyes settled on him. “I’m sorry that I didn’t keep in touch, that I didn’t visit or stay in contact with you. You must have felt abandoned by everyone but Mori.”

The taller man studied him for a moment, letting his expression relax before he spoke, “I didn’t even realize how cruel you were to me in high school until I reviewed it with a more mature outlook. You must have thought I was a bumbling idiot.”

“I liked our team, actually. I liked having you there. I just… wasn’t good at expressing it. Not that that’s an excuse. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

“I’m not ready to forgive you,” Lev grabbed him by the shoulders to keep him from looking away, “but you’re still my friend, okay? You were right, I have to let Mori go. You have to do the same with Kuroo. So let’s face this thing together, okay?”

Despite the heaviness that weighed on his shoulders, Kenma forced a smile, “okay. We’ll face it together.”

In the dark recesses of the room, the cat slipped away unseen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was longer, but I ended up splitting it into two (meaning another chapter is well underway). Do you prefer small, frequent updates or occasional lengthy updates?


	9. Make the Most of It

It had been a few weeks since the doctors pronounced Kenma vegetative. It had always been a fear, but they had hope that his brain would heal and he’d have some sense of presence when he awoke. When he finally opened his eyes, the doctors were dismayed to find them glassy and unfocused, with no response to stimulus.

Koutarou would never forget the day of the diagnosis.

Kuro had left the apartment with high hopes, only to return crushed. He crossed the threshold wordlessly, slumping on the couch. Koutarou popped in, excited for news, before assuming the worst from Kuro’s face. He sat on the couch and gathered the other man in his arms the best he could.

“Is he…?”

“Not yet. He’s awake.”

Koutarou rubbed slow circles on his back, “I don’t understand, that sounds like good news.”

“He’s… he’s not in there. He’s vegetative. The doctors give him six months at most.”

He kept expecting him to cry, but Kuro’s cheeks were dry. He didn’t look forward to the dam breaking. “Do you think it’s because his spirit is elsewhere? Has he tried returning to his body? I dunno, like how he enters your dreams?”

“I don’t think it would do him any good. He’d be a consciousness trapped in an unresponsive body. I don’t want that for him. Dreams take place in the brain. Only his spinal cord his functioning. There’s no brain function for him to utilize.”

“Have you tried—“

With more aggression than he really meant to show, Kuro yanked himself from Koutarou’s arms, “I don’t know, why don’t you ask him,” he stormed off to the guest bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Koutarou slumped on the couch, “‘Cause he never visits me.”

He had tried not to internalize the feeling. Kenma had obviously visited Kuro, of course, they were dating. He had visited Keiji for advice, that makes sense. Koutarou kept waiting for his visit. Night after night, he prepared his dreamscape for Kenma’s arrival. His mind provided a few dream-Kenmas, but none of them passed the tests Kuro and Keiji had told him to use. It had been weighing on his mind: he had nothing to offer the younger man. There was no reason for Kenma to visit him. Kenma might not even really like him. He might just be accepting Koutarou as a part of the packaged deal with Kuro and Keiji.

That wasn’t what Koutarou wanted at all. He cherished each of Kenma’s secret smiles. The times he managed to make him audibly laugh were worth more than gold to Koutarou. When he was overwhelmed, Kenma was a safe harbor to retreat to. He could always count on the man’s company to bring him peace of mind.

Every night his dreams remained empty. Every night it grew more and more apparent that he needed Kenma more than Kenma needed him.

That night was a struggle for any of the three to fall asleep. Kuro had stubbornly locked himself into the guest bedroom, allowed Keiji to check on him occasionally with an offering of water and rice. Koutarou couldn’t find the energy to leave the bed or the peace of mind to sleep. Keiji tired himself out trying to emotionally maintain the two men, keeping his own feelings at bay for the time being.

Koutarou didn’t remember closing his eyes, but when he opened them he found himself in a musty old apartment.  A dull tapping noise caught his attention. Across the room, a dark haired boy played aimlessly on a tablet computer.

“Kenma! You came to see me!” He all but dove onto the futon, wrapping an arm around the man’s slender shoulders.

For a good minute, Kenma stared at him as if he were the ghost, “Koutarou, what are you doing here?”

“It’s my dream, of course I’m here! Oh, wait, Keiji says you have to tell me something I don’t know to prove you’re the real Kenma.”

“Uh. Kuro bites his fingernails because he hates the sound of clippers, but I hate the jagged edges so I use clippers. It’s one of our ongoing battles.”

“Who doesn’t hate the sound of clippers though?”

“It’s a necessary evil, Koutarou. But more importantly, I haven’t entered your dream. I think you’re in mine somehow.”

“But— I’m asleep, I’m dreaming, and you’re here.”

“Maybe… our dreams merged?” Kenma let himself relax into the larger man’s embrace, letting the shock wash out of his nerves. He adjusted himself so that the man’s grasp was no longer crushing him but instead holding him against his chest. Kenma wasn’t about to complain about being pillowed by muscles. “Koutarou, have you ever experienced clairvoyant abilities?”

The larger man refused to release Kenma, even as he sat back to reflect, “I used to have a lot of dreams about my grandmother after she died, but I haven’t had one in a few years. She would always sit with me and talk me through my troubles.”

“I think you might have entered our world in your sleep.”

Koutarou looked around a minute, “this is heaven?”

“This is my apartment, as portrayed in a dream, yes. I don’t know if it’s quite heaven. But this is where I’m staying.”

“Oh but Kenma! It’s so sad! We have to get you some curtains. And a new futon, this one’s so flat.”

“It’s fine, it’s just temporary. Lev has started his rehabilitation, so if all goes well I’ll be able to wake up soon.”

“You already woke up, though—“ Koutarou’s response caught in this throat when he noted Kenma’s expression. “You didn’t know.”

“No, I’ve been working on my review and helping Lev with his, I haven’t been back to Earth since I visited Keiji,” Kenma placed his calm against Koutarou’s chest, pushing himself up to look him in the eyes,, “whoever’s in my body, it’s not me.”

“That’s part of the problem. Nobody’s in there. You’re vegetative.”

“Oh.”

They sat together in silence for what felt like hours. Kenma sunk back to rest his cheek against Koutarou’s chest. Koutarou refused to release his hold around the smaller man. He buried his face in his hair, reveling in Kenma’s presence. This dreamy afterworld held a dusty, stale smell, but he could still pick up on the scent he’d come to associate with Kenma.

It wasn’t often that Koutarou spent time in quiet. Kenma typically cherished the moments, feeling Koutarou accommodating his sunny personality to match Kenma’s quiet without losing his warmth. He felt grounded in the muscular arms, even while his mind spun out of control.

“Maybe you can try entering your mind the way you enter Akaashi and Kuroo’s?”

“I tried it before, when I was still comatose, and I just felt sick. Kuro doesn’t want me to try again, now that we know the condition my head’s in.”

Kenma winced as Koutarou gripped his shoulder possessively, “How could he not even try? Why wouldn’t he want you to try every possibility? You’ve figured out how to fall out of dreams, right? So you could escape if you wanted.”

“Koutarou, your grip—“

“We want you to come back, Kenma, we all want you back. Akaashi and I, we miss you so much. How could Kuroo not want you to try any way you could?”

“Koutarou! You’re hurting me.”

“Oh,” he quickly released the smaller man. “I’m sorry Kenma, I just—“

“Koutarou!” This time it was Keiji’s voice that rang through the space.

Kenma grabbed Koutarou by the front of his collar, pulling him into a firm kiss. “Thank you for coming to see me.”

“Koutarou!”

He woke up to Keiji’s panicked expression. Kuro was by his side, phone in hand. It took Koutarou a minute to regain his senses. He was laying in their bed, on his side. The blankets were on the floor. Keiji and Kuro knelt next to the bed, both pale and breathless.

“Hey, I’m here,” he managed to slur out. His tongue felt thick.

“Oh thank god,” Keiji was on him in a flash, holding him as tight as he dared.

“Let him breathe, Keiji. Bo, do you know where you are?”

“Home.”

“Do you know who we are?”

“Akaashi and Kuroo. Why, what’s wrong?”

Keiji sat back to observe his face, “you were seizing. You had stopped snoring, so I thought you had woken up. I came in to find you tangled in the sheets, convulsing.”

“It didn’t last long,” Kuro gestured to the stopwatch on his phone.

“How are you feeling?”

Koutarou touched his face, fingers resting on his lips thoughtfully. His eyes locked with Kuro’s. “You hates the sound of nail clippers, but Kenma hates it when you bite your nails.”

“Kenma visited you?”

“I think… I visited him. I was in his dream, in his apartment, in the afterlife.”

Keiji gripped the sheets, “you went to the afterlife?”

“I think I can. I used to dream about my Gram for years after her passing. And now Kenma…”

“And let me guess,” Kuro was double checking symptoms on his phone, “you used to wake up tired, irritated and unfocused. Possibly, you used to wet the bed.”

“Y-yeah. The doctors told my mom it was ADHD. She told them I’d grow out of it.”

Keiji carded his fingers through Koutarou’s hair, pushing it out of his face, “when in actuality you’ve been leaving your body to go to the afterlife, essentially dying.”

“And in an attempt to resuscitate you, your body responds by seizing,” Kuro concluded.

“Kenma kissed me.”

Keiji’s next comment caught in his throat as the men froze.

“He what,” Kuro stammered.

“Is— is that safe? To kiss a ghost?”

Keiji missed Kuro’s face turning bright red, but Koutarou noticed. His face cracked into a devilish grin.

“Something tells me that Kuroo’s been thoroughly cursed by a certain ghost.”

Kuro gave a playful shove, provoking Koutarou to pull him onto the bed. Muscles still weak from seizing, Koutarou was easy to subdue. Kuro had his hands pinned above his head, legs trapped between muscular thighs, in record time.

Keiji rolled his eyes, knocking both on their sides with a gentle push to Kuro’s side. “Be gentle,” he climbed in between the two for good measure. They helped him strip the bed, Keiji taking the soiled linens to the laundry while Koutarou and Kuroo fitted the bed with fresh ones.

Kuro was the first to flop onto the sheets, motioning for Koutarou to crawl into his open arm. Exhaustion still heavy in Koutarou’s body, the man gladly took his place under Kuro’s arm, head resting on his shoulder.

Keiji crawled in to join them, aimlessly thumbing Kuro’s hand next to Koutarou’s head.

“So do we still have doubts that Kenma would oppose us being together?”

“I still want to wait for him.”

“Kuroo— Tetsurou…” Keiji’s tone wavered between pity and chastising.

“More than half of patients with traumatic brain injuries are able to recover from a vegetative state. I’m not giving up on him.”

“The doctor said—“

“We’re not giving up on him,” Koutarou confirmed, turning to wrap an arm around Keiji.

The younger man accepted the gesture, settling into his boyfriend’s embrace, “then we won’t give up on him, but the next person who speaks with him needs to breech the subject.”

-

LAST MEMORY: day 6,536

NEXT MEMORY: day 6,403

PROCEED PAUSE

-

Kenma knew what day it was as soon as he opened his eyes. His childhood bedroom was all but bare. The bookshelves were disassembled and packed. His closet only held clothes he had outgrown. Last night was his last night in this room. Today he moved to his apartment near Kuro’s university.

Sun beamed in through the curtains. Outside, late spring was turning into summer. The blossoms on the tree that bridged the gap between Kuro’s childhood window to Kenma’s were closing, ready to bare fruit. It had been a long time since Kuro was small enough to scale the branches. Last time he tried to climb over to Kenma’s window, both the tree and the boy suffered broken limbs.

For the past year, the window across the way only came to life during breaks. Now that Kenma had graduated from Nekoma, he was free to follow Kuro to university. The plan had been to take a gap year to discover something at university that ignited Kenma’s interest. The only thing that caught his eye was his childhood friend.

His parents helped him load the moving van. He spent what felt like hours riding in silence as a friend of his father’s drove him to his new home. Kuro, Koutarou, and Keiji were all there to receive him. The five men unloaded the van and the driver left.

Kuro and Koutarou were competing to see who could carry the biggest stack of boxes while Kenma and Keiji took the more delicate items inside. Koutarou tackled one of the bookshelves while shouting lewd jokes to Kuro, who was building the bed. Keiji stepped out to the corner store to bring back meat buns. By the end of the day, all four were sweaty, exhausted, and smiling. The room was inhabitable, some of the smaller items just needed to find their places.

Kuro gave Keiji a meaningful look. The younger man stood with a small bow, tugging at Koutarou. “Thank you for having us, Kenma. I’m glad we’ll all be living close by again now. I need to get Koutarou home now, he has practice in the morning.”

“But Akaashi, I wanna—“ he was cut off by a sharp look. “Okay… thank you guys.” A few more good-byes later and the two were on their way.

Kuro hung back nervously.

“Listen, Kenma… uh… can we talk?”

He hadn’t seen his boyfriend turn such a bright shade of red since their first year dating. Kenma’s face broke into a grin. He moved to sit on the bed, motioning for Kuro to join him, “yeah, I think we should.” He struggled to remain patient, knowing what was coming.

Kuro stared into his eyes as long as he could, gaze darting into the distance as his face reddened and contorted, gathering his thoughts. Kenma took advantage of the hesitation to admire how much Kuro had grown in their years together. The Kuro before him was broader, filled out, compared to the lanky boy from Nekoma High School. In the next two years, he’d watch that handsome face square out. His hair would start to settle down. Those golden eyes would remain bright, but the crinkles at the corners would turn softer.

The Kuro in front of him was a balance of youth and maturity. He might hesitate, he was obviously nervous, but he knew what he wanted. “Kenma, I… I really value our friendship and I’m really excited to have you living close by again,” he took the time to refocus his gaze on Kenma’s. “I want to remain friends no matter what. That’s… that’s the most important thing in the world to me. We’ve had each other’s backs for our whole lives. I don’t remember a world without you in it and I never want to live in one where you’re not there. You’ve encouraged me in every pursuit I’ve ever had while keeping my expectations realistic.”

“Kuro,” Kenma took his hand, a habit formed for when the man became overwhelmed.

“Kenma! Would you do me the honor of being my boyfriend!” He tried to bow in the tight space, almost colliding foreheads.

Kenma’s grin grew brighter. He swung a leg over Kuro’s lap, trapping the man in a straddle. “If there was ever a doubt in your mind that I’d say yes, you’re an idiot,” he grasped his face, pulling his boyfriend into a kiss. Kuro responded enthusiastically, embracing the man on his lap. Kenma struggled to keep his kisses chaste, wanting to ravish Kuro right then and there. Especially since he could feel Kuro’s excitement building under him.

“Six thousand four hundred and three days,” he gasped between kisses, “how did I go six thousand four hundred and three days without kissing you?”

“Don’t worry,” Kuro grinned, “I won’t make you go another. I plan on kissing you every day for the rest of your life.”

-

“I don’t want to give up.”

Kuro jumped as Kenma dove into his dream, announcing his presence.

“Kenma, you came back!” The taller man was overjoyed, running to embrace his visitor. “I’m sorry we fought, I didn’t mean to drive you away. You can hang out however you want, just don’t leave.”

“It’s okay, Kuro,” Kenma hugged him back, “I know what the doctors said— about the six months and all of that. But I’m not going to give up. It’s possible, right? People survive vegetative states all the time.”

“Right, you’re right. Your mom’s magazines have miracles in them every month.”

“I’m going to try to enter my body. Even if it’s just darkness, maybe I can support it, help it heal.”

“What I wouldn’t give to have you back, Kenma,” Kuro held his shoulders, stepping back to take a good long look at him. “We have so many plans, you’re all that’s missing.”

“You’re giving me that look. That transparently nervous big news look. I just reviewed the day that you asked me out, I remember that look.” His eyes scrutinized the taller man’s face like a ‘spot the difference’ game. Kuro dreamed himself younger, in the prime of his volleyball career. There wasn’t a single sign of aging on his blushing cheeks.

“Ahh… it’s similar,” Kuro let go, making himself smaller. “So… I heard you kissed Bo.”

“Ah! Uh. Well… it was kind of an impulse. We heard Keiji calling and I—“

“I’m not mad!” He interrupted, “it’s actually… I’m happy. You know I’ve been staying with them while you’re in the hospital. We were thinking maybe… maybe we could all live together when you get out? As like… one family, not just friends?”

Kenma’s face fell, though he tried to hide it, “are you in love with them, then?” He had just been there, in that memory, where Kuro had asked him to be his. They’d just shared their first kiss. Kenma wasn’t ready to be thrown onto the back burner this quickly.

Kuro caressed his face to draw him out of his building anxiety, refocusing Kenma’s attention on the conversation at hand, “I’m in love with you, Kenma. They are too. We were thinking of exploring what we have as a quad.”

Kuro’s confession brought the smile back to Kenma’s face, “then I guess I better get back to healing. Lev’s cat is gone, all that’s left is to get my body in working condition. I want to come home to you. All of you.”

“Before you go,” Kuro caught him by the arm before he could fall out of the dream, drawing the smaller man into a gentle kiss, smiling against his lips, “how do I know it’s you?”

At this, Kenma’s smile turned devilish, “Keiji was my first.” He fell away.

-

“Akaashi Keiji!” The voice thundering from the bedroom made Keiji jump, spilling his tea across the kitchen floor.

Koutarou turned from where he sat on the couch, eyes wide in horror, staring at Keiji, “what did you do? Did you take his socks off in his sleep, he hates that.”

“No, no I haven’t done anything to my knowledge,” though anxiety still settled in Keiji’s stomach as he heard Kuro’s footsteps coming down the hall.

He set his tea cup down when Kuro turned the corner, shoulders tight and face flushed. He knew, logically, that Kuro would never hurt him. That didn’t lessen the discomfort of seeing the man upset with him.

“Yes, Kuroo-san?”

The two locked eyes. Kuro’s shoulders dropped. Meeting that sharp-yet-gentle gaze made him realize he couldn’t stay mad at Keiji. Just seeing the fear he’d instilled filled him with guilt. “Is there something you’re not telling us?”

“I’m sure there are a number of things that I unconsidered trivial that I’ve never shared. For instance, my favorite tea is oolong. Koutarou keeps bringing home genmatcha. The gesture is sweet and I like genmatcha enough, so I don’t say anything.”

“Keijiii!!” Koutarou cried from the couch, “you should have told me! Oh man, you mean I’ve been messing up this whole time? I thought that was your favorite! The one in the teal tin, right?”

“I _do_ like it, Koutarou. That’s why there was no reason to upset you by telling you it’s not my favorite.”

Kuro stepped between them, coming closer to Keiji’s face, “I should hope you don’t consider this trivial. I’m assuming you kept quiet for Kenma’s sake, you expected him to tell me. Did you tell Koutarou?”

At the mention of his name, Koutarou rose from the couch. He came to stand at Kuro’s shoulder, peering curiously at Keiji who was trying desperately to hide his shame. The two men kept relaxed posture, curious expressions. Keiji at least felt relief that the anger had passed. He just hoped it would stay at bay.

“No, I—“

“You knew about us though. When Koutarou and I first came to university, we were perfectly open with you and Kenma.” Kuro’s voice bordered on pleading.

“It was different. Koutarou said you were both lonely and it just— what was the eloquent way he worded it— ‘bros helping each other get off.’”

Koutarou nudged Kuro with his shoulder at the memory. The other man fought off a smile while shouldering him back.

“Kenma and I, we were— we were more complicated. There were feelings, at least I thought there were. Then he stopped texting me back. Next time I saw him he was dating Yamamoto-san.” Keiji wouldn’t meet their gazes. Shame burned on his cheeks. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes. “He dropped me so easily. I was hoping we could put the whole thing in the past and save me the embarrassment. Then Koutarou and I started dating. Kenma moved out here to be closer to Kuro and we knew they’d start dating. It was awkward being around him at first. It took a while for our friendship to recover.”

“Wait,” Koutarou wrapped Keiji in a delicate embrace, as if the man were about to shatter, “am I understanding this right? You and Kenma dated?”

Keiji rested his cheek on the other’s shoulder, making eye contact with Kuro behind him, “I don’t know if anyone considered it ‘dating.’ I thought it was headed to something more, but it ended up just lasting the five days of training camp. It was more of a hook-up. A fling.” He backed out of Koutarou’s embrace in order to face Kuro fully, “I didn’t mean to deceive you. I didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I was embarrassed to have considered it important in the first place. Kenma obviously didn’t, if he never told you.”

Kuroo clapped his hands down on Keiji’s shoulders, “we all know Kenma isn’t like that. He isn’t one for casual hook-ups. When I spoke with him about moving in with you two, he seemed excited, not awkward. That’s when he told me about your history, and he said it with a smile.”

“He really seemed excited?” The corner of his mouth quirked into a smile as Keiji laid a cheek on Kuro’s hand. He had hopes that this would be his chance to rekindle the connection, now that they were older and wiser, though part of him still feared being rejected again.

“He wants this, Keiji,” Kuro turned his hand, cupping Keiji’s chin with his palm, “Kenma wants the four of us. He wants Koutarou, he wants you,” and Kuro could see why. Holding Keiji’s face in such a delicate position, he could see how the man’s cheekbones became more pronounced as he smiled. Long eyelashes framed his eyes dramatically. His hair curled perfectly across his brow. Keiji just had perfectly full lips, Kuro couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t be blamed. He honestly couldn’t remember how he resisted temptation all these years.

It took a moment of feeling Keiji’s smile against his before either realized what was happening. His fingers wove their way into downy curls, closing the distance into a crushing kiss. He swallowed Keiji’s gasps, pushing the man up against the kitchen counter. His lips were just as plush as Kuro had hoped, though more chapped.

He felt long fingers tracing his sides. Keiji seemed desperate to memorize every line of Kuro’s back while he could. Kuro trapped his bottom lip between his teeth, basking in the low groan he pulled from Keiji’s throat.

Keiji grasped his hips, pulling Kuro flush against him. He’d meant to tease, grinding up into Kuro’s embrace. He hadn’t expected Kuro to be quite as hard— or quite as _long_ — as he felt through the front of his sleeping pants. The sudden realization of where they were headed brought the two crashing back to Earth.

“Hah, hi.”

“Hello, Tetsurou,” Keiji couldn’t help but laugh at the taller man’s sheepish grin.

“Sorry,” he stepped back, turning to glance at Koutarou’s reaction, “sorry, bro, I just—“

The man was wide-eyed and red in the face.

“N-no, it’s okay. It was— I’m fine. It was… nice. You look good… like that.”

“Yeah?” Kuro’s shyness turned into a predatory grin as he approached the stammering Koutarou, “is that something you’re into?”

Koutarou felt like his mind was about to melt down when Kuro slung an arm over his shoulders. He could clearly remember the Kuro of three years ago, a college first year full of energy. He could recall that toned and glowing body with ease. Koutarou felt himself dying to know how he’d changed and matured over the years. He wanted to know how Keiji’s supple body would look entwined with Kuro’s.

Yes. Yes, this was definitely something he was into.

-

Kenma sat next to his mother, both in quiet contemplation. His body laid before him, being kept alive with enough tubes and monitors that he could hardly recognize himself. His skin held a gray pallor except for the red splotches where medical tape had irritated it. His hair laid obediently at least, from Kuro and his mother brushing it every time they visited. It was the only thing in their power, the only way they could keep him looking even a bit like himself.

He was thankful to see himself sleeping. Kenma made the mistake once of following Kuro to the hospital while he was awake. While vacant look in his eyes haunted him, the pain that twisted Kuro’s expression was much worse.

Today was the day. He didn’t want to wait another moment. He’d done his civic duty, he’d saved Lev. He was diligent in his review and learned a lesson on making every day count. Fate owed him this. It was time to take back his body.

With bated breath, Kenma approached the man wasting away in a hospital bed. It would be easy. It’s just like all the times he entered the other’s dreams. He tried to fight down the anxiety in his stomach. It would be easy. All he had to do was lay down and recover.

Soon he’d be awake. Kuro would come to visit, Koutarou and Keiji in tow. They’d be so happy to see him. He’d be able to talk to them all at once. It would be great. The three of them would help nurse him back to health and then he’d be released to them. He’d seen how well Kuro integrated into their home. Kenma wanted to be a part of it. He wanted to make the most of it.

He wanted to live.

The first step would be to accept that he’d have to spend some time in this sickly body. It would be alright. Acceptance was the last stage of grief, wasn’t it? So all he had to do was accept it and everything would be okay. He was ready for it. He accepted it.

Kenma carefully laid himself into his sickly body, easing himself in as he would a too hot bath. Every inch that sunk into his physical self felt like it was on fire, electricity buzzing up his limbs. He brushed it off as nerves. It’d been a while since he had a real nervous system.

Closing his eyes and laying his head back with care, Kenma took an experimental breath. His chest felt heavy. His throat burned. His eyelids were too heavy to lift. He felt himself settling into this solid, electric state.

That’s when the alarms started screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha. Ha. Ha.

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist for the curious: https://open.spotify.com/user/1249542940/playlist/4dSPmcSDnZbMTMxUZp37d1
> 
> If I happen to have any extra information on future updates, I'll make a post on Tumblr: caffeinatedqueer.tumblr.com


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